Free ‘Tacos,’ Courtesy of the Lakers

If the Lakers win and keep the opposing team under 100 points, everyone gets two free tacos from Jack in the Box. Last night was the second time in a row I’ve been to a game where they met the taco quota (let’s be honest, I only go to the games for the foot-long hot dogs that are awkward to eat next to the guy I’m with, the beer, the potential free tacos, and the Laker Girls, and so that I can say all those things to the guy I’m with and gauge his reaction to the last part about the Laker Girls as a test–usually he fails, but last night’s passed with flying colors–he said to me, “You’re probably way too smart to be a Laker Girl.” ­čĹĆ­čĹĆ­čĹĆ)

Last game, they accidentally gave me 2 taco coupons instead of the usual 1/person, so I now possess 3, and I’m afraid to use them because these tacos are apparently made with American cheese as you can see from the photo and I just would like to know what “Regular Taco” means. So for now, I think I’ll just keep collecting them with the hopes that one day I’ll be featured on TLC’s “Hoarding: Buried Alive,” with the sole object I’m hoarding and being buried alive by being the taco coupons. Too bad the only thing standing in the way of this dream becoming a reality is the fact that the Lakers are TERRIBLE.

#IwonderifMarkWahlbergacceptedatacocouponuponhisexit

You know you’re somewhere fancy

when the bathroom paper towels are indestructibly thick and monogrammed.

#iwasonlythereforthefreefoodandwine

#jkwasalsothereforthecancerresearchfundraising

#isitweirdItookatowelhomewithme?

#IfeelikeIcouldreuseitatleastfivetimestocleanmytoilet

#whoneedsBountywhenyouhavetheequivalentofa2000threadcountEgyptiancottonsheet

#IhadtoGooglewhatisconsideredanicethreadcountbecauseiveneverhadexperiencewithone

When your co-worker asks you to write a note to his 5 yr old son as the Tooth Fairy…

The note you want to write:

Dear Beck,

Why did your parents name you that? Is it after the singer? Did you know he’s a scientologist? Yeahhh, so just beware–it could happen to you, too. Next thing you know, you’ll be John Leather Face Travolta wearing a mecklace and molesting Idina Menzel’s face on the Oscars stage.┬áAlso did you think┬áBeck deserved that Grammy? Trick question correct answer is NO. Also why did your dad ask me to do this instead of your mom? Do you think he’s cheating on her? Or that he just doesn’t love her anymore?

In your note to me, you asked what my name is. It’s Lila because that’s my dog’s name and she is the best thing that has ever happened to this world. She is far superior to you. If I had to choose between saving her life or saving yours, I would 100% choose hers. So would your parents. You also asked why you can’t see me. Well, Beck, that’s because I’m dead. You will be dead one day too. Maybe soon. You never know. You also asked–(too many questions, by the way, and yes, there is such a thing as a stupid question and you’ve asked all of them)–what I do with all the teeth I collect. I keep them and give them to cannibals so that they can eat children like you with greater ease. Just kidding! I, uh, give them to… the children who need teeth? Because they’re born without them? (Is that a thing?┬á Do tooth transplants exist? I wonder if you could specify on your drivers license if you only wanted to be a tooth donor, but no other organs. Come to think of it, are teeth even considered organs? This is all stuff you’ll need to┬á figure out and plan for so that when you die, they’ll know whether to start hacking you up and distributing your body parts or to┬ábury you straight in the ground (or throw you into a fire if you prefer cremation).) And no, to answer your final question thank GOD–you cannot have “3 chocolate lollipops,” because what the fuck are “chocolate lollipops” first of all, and secondly, sugar will rot your teeth and┬ámake them decay into tooth dust that you will then choke to death on. So, instead, you may have three sticks of celery.

You’re welcome,

Lila

The note you actually write:

FullSizeRender

FullSizeRender*My co-worker led with: “Alex, do you have childish handwriting?” so I tried to make my handwriting childish, even though I’m pretty sure the Tooth Fairy isn’t a child…