32 Answers to 32 Questions to Ask on a First Date

There are correct answers to all of these, which I shouldn’t have to tell you. Pls see below (also below is extra credit if you’re a failure).

FullSizeRender

1. How much do you think I would get paid as a prostitute? TRICK QUESTION–CORRECT ANSWER: YOU DON’T NEED TO SELL YOUR BODY, YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT. HOWEVER, IF YOU WERE A ‘HIGH CLASS ESCORT,’ YOU WOULD MAKE INFINITY.

2. How long have you been in therapy? IF HE/SHE ISN’T IN THERAPY, YOU SHOULDN’T BE DATING HIM/HER.

3. What kind of car do you drive that is not a Prius obviously? CORRECT ANSWER: ANYTHING THAT IS NOT A PRIUS.

4. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? CORRECT ANSWER: TEAM JEN OBVIOUSLY.

5. Chipotle: burrito or bowl? CORRECT ANSWER: BURRITO. OTHERWISE GET OUT OF MY FACE.

6. Who do you believe killed JonBenet Ramsey? CORRECT ANSWER: ONE, MAYBE BOTH, OF THE PARENTS.

7. Do you appreciate GILMORE GIRLS? CORRECT ANSWER: YES, I LOVE IT MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF.

8. What is your favorite animal product to eat? IF HE/SHE IS A VEGAN, YOU SHOULDN’T BE DATING HIM/HER. VEGETARIANS NOT IDEAL EITHER.

9. What’s your favorite song on Taylor Swift’s new album? CORRECT ANSWER: THERE ARE TOO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM.

10. Peet’s, Starbucks, or Coffee Bean? CORRECT ANSWER: There is a CLEAR pecking order when it comes to corporate coffee: Peet’s > Starbucks > Coffee Bean don’t waste my time

11. Do I look fat in these jeans? CORRECT ANSWER: ALWAYS NEVER.

12. What are your feelings about CrossFit? CORRECT ANSWER: HATRED.

13. How much do you love your mother? CORRECT ANSWER: I LOVE AND RESPECT MY MOTHER BUT NOT TO THE POINT OF OEDIPAL.

14. Do you pretend not to like Fall Out Boy? CORRECT ANSWER: YES BUT IT’S ALL A FRONT. DON’T PRETEND LIKE YOU DIDN’T GO TO WARPED TOUR IN HIGH SCHOOL.

15. Do you agree or disagree with Kanye’s 2009 choice to take the mic from Taylor Swift? CORRECT ANSWER: IT WAS KINDA RUDE BUT DUDE WAS RIGHT.

16. Do you pretend not to like Nick Jonas? CORRECT ANSWER: NO, CAN’T DENY HIS GREATNESS OR FIGHT MY LOVE FOR IT.

17. On a scale of 1-10, how much of a rapist are you? (1 being not at all rapey, 10 being super rapey) Correct Answer: Ideally < 3 [THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY. YOU DON’T KNOW.]

18. If you had to choose between saving your own life and that of a puppy, which would you save? CORRECT ANSWER: PUPPY, OF COURSE—DO YOU HAVE NO HEART?

19. Which Real Housewives state/city/locale is your favorite? CORRECT ANSWER: THE OVERLOOKED WASHINGTON D.C.—THEY WERE ROBBED

20. Have you recently purchased any Dave Matthews albums? CORRECT ANSWER: NOT SINCE LATE 90s/EARLY 2000s

21. Favorite Disney Channel movie? CORRECT ANSWER: THERE ARE TOO MANY TO CHOOSE FROM.

22. Do you agree that Rihanna waaaas kinda asking for it when she came out with “S&M”? CORRECT ANSWER: NO, BUT I SEE YOUR POINT.

23. Did you like Fincher’s adaptation of GONE GIRL? CORRECT ANSWER: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

24. Would you call yourself liberal or just “left-leaning”? CORRECT ANSWER: EITHER IS ACCEPTABLE.

25. If I were a stripper, what shift do you think I would be assigned? TRICK QUESTION—CORRECT ANSWER: YOU WOULD NEVER NEED TO BE A STRIPPER BECAUSE IT IS A DEMEAINING PRACTICE. HOWEVER, IF YOU WERE AN ‘EXOTIC DANCER,’ YOU WOULD BE ASSIGNED THE BUSIEST, MOST LUCRATIVE SHIFT.

26. If your house was burning down and you could only save one of the below items, which would you choose:

a) Your complete DVD collection of both the British and American versions of THE OFFICE
b) Your child
c) The foam on your skinny vanilla latte
d) Your in-unit washer and dryer

TRICK QUESTION—CORRECT ANSWER: NONE BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL EQUALLY VALUABLE. ALSO IF YOUR CHILD CAN’T SAVE HIM/HERSELF, MAYBE HE/SHE SHOULDN’T BE HERE. CUT THAT DEAD WEIGHT (please see: “Survival of the Fittest”).

27. How many times did you see TITANIC in theaters? ANSWER SHOULD BE AT LEAST TEN.

28. How many NOW THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC! albums do you own? ANSWER SHOULD BE AT LEAST THROUGH VOL. 8/2001

29. Do American Apparel ads turn you on? CORRECT ANSWER: I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE.

30. How much do you weigh and how often do you cry? CORRECT ANSWER: THOSE ARE THINGS WE DON’T TALK ABOUT. ALTHOUGH I WILL SAY THEY ARE DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL.

31. Do you answer honestly when someone asks how you are? CORRECT ANSWER: IF I DID, I WOULD BE COMMITTED.

32. LeAnn Rimes pre- or post-anorexia? CORRECT ANSWER: POST, FRANKLY.

Extra Credit:

1. Are you chivalrous? WHAT, YOU DON’T THINK I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF? I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WHITE WOMAN/MAN AND I DON’T NEED A MAN/WOMAN

2. Do you know how to change a tire? CORRECT ANSWER: YES, BUT I DON’T EXPECT YOU TO.

3. Do you like mint chocolate chip ice cream? CORRECT ANSWER: IS THE SKY BLUE?

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “32 Answers to 32 Questions to Ask on a First Date

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s