1. Sometimes I just want to be a fruit cart operator.
2. A lot of times when I’m driving, I just close my eyes and hope for the best. Like, “If I don’t see that car I’m about to sideswipe, it’s not there.”
3. Solution to my mouth being afire from multiple sticks of cinnamon gum simultaneously? Chew more cinnamon gum.
4. When you unsubscribe from an email list and then get an email telling you you unsubscribed.
5. Googling “Will I die if I fall asleep with gum in my mouth?”
6. What I saw today, which was a homeless man with Louis Vuitton luggage.
7. I have to use a whole new label sheet each time I print a mailing label. #theoutcomeisalwaysatossup #ialsoclosemyeyesandjusthopeforthebestinthisscenariotoo
8. Wearing a leather jacket to a vegan restaurant.
9. A little deodorant goes a long way. FALSE. A little deodorant does not go a long way. A lot of deodorant goes a long way. That was a test, and you failed.
10. I buy myself flowers because someone has to do it.
11. You know what goes really well with Lean Cuisine? Ice cream.
12. That there’s a mini-van called “Quest.”
13. Studying what skinny people buy at the grocery store.
14. Seeing a lady eat an entire regular-sized bag of Ruffles as a side dish to the rest of her lunch.
15. The Shakira lyric, “You’re lucky that my breasts are small and humble, so you don’t confuse them with mountains.”