Thoughts on the Oscars

“Ladies and gentlemen, La’Pita (alt: La’Peeta) Nyong’o!”IMG_5133

I thought this was the Oscars not the Tonys

J.K. Simmons: what if our parents suck? Do we still have to call them? [Mom and Dad I know you’re reading this and no, I’m not saying that you suck]

Still waiting for Neil Patrick Harris’ balls to drop.

Are we sure Wes Anderson and Beck aren’t the same person/scientologist?

Recognition of the racial spectrum that is the 60-Second Oscars Shorts winners

Michael Keaton: “Oh it’s Best Actor in a Leading Role time? I’ll spit my gum out for this one.” #IDGAF

(Personally I’m still focused on how embarrassing it is that last night, when Coming to America was playing on the TVs at the bar, I called it “Made in America” repeatedly to a bunch of black guys until one of them corrected me.)

When NPH called out the seat-fillers individually: best moments of their lives.

It’s ok, guy who fell, no one knows who you are so they won’t remember. Wait, I want to hear more about the donuts. Wait, you’re actually amazing (“more importantly, people who volunteer…”)–now I’m going to remember you fell.

I like how the orchestra “CEASE SPEAKING” music just gives up after a few seconds.

“Everything is Awesome” is the bastard child of “Happy,” yet they are both equally suicide-inducing.

It’s official: Kevin Hart IS the smallest human on the planet.

The Rock?

I really don’t care, I feel.

Boss (in the FILM INDUSTRY): “What did you think of the Oscars?”

Me: “I don’t know, I was getting Chipotle.”

That moment when you see someone pop up on the “In Memoriam” PowerPoint tribute who you hadn’t realized died. And then the subsequent moment when you realize you don’t know who anyone else up there is.

TIME WASTERS: Tim McGraw, Jennifer Hudson singing the In Memoriam tribute song NOT during the In Memoriam slide show, NPH’s briefcase trick, why are we going over The Sound of Music

GAYLE KING YAAAAAAAAS

Does anybody know if NPH is pronouncing “David Oyelowo” correctly?

“Our dog Larry.”

I forgot network TV still exists until I saw the ONCE UPON A TIME commercial and it took me a minute to comprehend what was happening.

We all learned an important lesson tonight: if you don’t want to get orchestra’d off stage, bring up suicide.

I finally realized where I’ve seen Keith Urban before!IMG_5130

Sean Penn? Really? Also, woah, buddy, just because you helped some brown people that one time doesn’t mean you can talk shit about green cards.

Channing Tatum has acne–there IS justice in the world!