1. He says any variation on “I don’t want to hurt you.”
THIS IS YOUR CUE TO RUN. Any guy who thinks giving you a heads up that he’s going to/may be an asshole makes it ok to be an asshole is an asshole. Nobody has time for that, least of all you.
2. When you enter his apartment, he’s too stoned to get off the couch and say hi to you.
That’s your cue to about-face, walk right back out the door in your sexy outfit because you rarely wear heels and dammit if you’re not going to make this outfit count, and go find a guy who will appreciate all you’re worth. Leave the dud at home with his bud.
3. He keeps asking if he can “stick it in your butt.”
I feel like that’s the kind of thing you’ll either volunteer for if/when you’re ready, or he can ask once, and if you don’t come to a mutual conclusion after that, should no longer bring up until/if you do. This may seem like NBD, but it makes it clear where his priorities are. And if he keeps asking, just turn it on him–each time, answer with, “only if I can stick something of equal size in yours” [I mean break up with him obviously, but before you do, get some good mileage out of this].
4. He uses lack of money as an excuse to not hang out with you.
Now, I’m assuming you’re a halfway decent person–so you don’t expect to be wined and dined and given red roses and limo rides constantly (who wants those things anyways? So cheesy and straight out of The Bachelor they make my skin crawl). If this is the case, and you just want some quality time with him, he has no leg to stand on with this one. ESPECIALLY if he goes out and spends money with his friends. The only thing you’re asking from him is thoughtfulness, so kick that shit straight to the curb. Come to think of it, kick it to the curb while it’s raining heavily so it gets washed the fuck away (into a storage drain filled with human waste, fingers crossed).
5. You’re always going to him.
Nip that in the bud–it’s getting kind of pathetic. He should be willing to come to your place at least as often as you go to his. You’re embarrassing yourself–get your shit together. You have A LOT of TV to watch from YOUR couch. You have A LOT of Lean Cuisines to microwave in YOUR kitchen. And, most importantly, you have A LOT of crying in the bath to do, and you don’t trust the cleanliness of his tub. But seriously, if he wants someone who always comes to him, tell him to time travel back to the 1950s and suck his own dick.
6. He takes selfies
I take the rare selfie, so I don’t want to be a total hypocrite. I suppose it’s acceptable if he takes them few and far between. But if he takes a lot, he’s a narcissist. He cares way too much about himself and what he looks like. If he’s that self-absorbed, he’s not going to give you much thought, and he’s shallow. The kiddie pool is never fun for anyone, is it? Not even kids like the kiddie pool. Dive a little deeper–you deserve it.
7. He’s unemployed and doesn’t make time for you.
I mean…. come on. It’s hard to find a good excuse for that one. Unless he’s volunteering all his time to saving the whales or rescuing dying babies somewhere, he sounds pretty lame. PASS. (Also, tempted to say him being unemployed, period, is a red flag. I realize the job market is tough, but if he’s unemployed for lack of trying, and it’s come to the point where he spends hours on his couch seriously researching a career in the WWE or as a porn star, and then finds out he’s too old, in fact, to do porn, probably best to leave him choking on the dust of a quick getaway.)
8. HE’S REALLY REALLY GOOD LOOKING OR REALLY REALLY WEALTHY
This piggy backs off of #6. I know that people can’t control everything about how they look or even how wealthy they are, and I would discourage you from judging someone based on how they look, “good” or “bad,” or how much money they have. However. My mother has always told me that really really good looking and/or rich men are basically the worst. This is because they have an undue sense of entitlement and a superficial outlook on life, thanks to the importance this society places on external appearance and material wealth. Yes, this is a complete generalization with plenty of exceptions. But, if I may say, in my experience, it’s true. However, of course, if you are with a guy who is really really good looking and/or wealthy and also NOT the worst, hold on to him, because that’s gonna make your life a whole hell of a lot easier.
9. He says, “I’ll just pull out.”
As much fun as it is to be jizzed on… Girl. At that point, hoist him off of your body, or, if you’re on top, DISMOUNT, and bolt. Leave your clothes behind if you have to. Just get as far away from his sperm as you can. And then send a letter to his middle school expressing concern for its apparent lack of Health Education.
10. He has mommy issues
We’ve all heard this one before, and that’s because it’s true. Ideally, you’d like him to love and respect his mother, and not call her a “cunt” (unless she is, in fact, a cunt). It just seems like the right thing to do. But, if she has some psychotic hold on him and you’re fairly certain they’d be banging were this a Greek tragedy, that’s not great either. You want a healthy balance–he appreciates her, but isn’t still latched to her tits (figuratively or literally), and will go to bat for you if you have tattoos and she hates them, instead of instructing you to cover them up around her, for example.
11. When you tell him someone stole the lights off your bike and now you have to ride home in the dark, his response is “LMAO.”
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