Fellow females, do your homework–no need to make the same mistake I’ve made all too many times, and find yourself waking up next to not the person you thought/hoped/expected you’d see upon opening your hungover eyes. I’ve made it easier for you by drawing up the below handy checklist of questions you can/absolutely should ask any man before bestowing upon him the honor of becoming your bedfellow, whether for one night or a couple more than that.
What is your favorite Girl Scout cookie?
What are your thoughts on oral sex (giving–we clearly know what they are on receiving)?
How many nights out of the week do you cry yourself to sleep?
If this turns into an overnight commitment, do you expect to be cooked eggs in the morning? Dogs or cats?
What’s your number (of sexual partners to date, not phone)?
Have you seen and do you appreciate Fried Green Tomatoes?
On a scale from “Zero” to “As Many As It Takes,” how many fucks do you give about whether I orgasm? Follow up with: Just how easy do you think it is for the female to orgasm? How confident are you in your ability to produce that result?
What are your thoughts on father-daughter purity dances?
Do you like sleepovers?
Can you drive stick shift?
Lights on or off?
Have you ever had a mullet? Follow up with: Bowl cut?
Over or under the covers?
How many children do you have?
How do you feel about my weight?
Are you a virgin?
Do you have an appreciation for racist humor?
Have you ever slept with a stripper? If the answer is yes, follow up with: Did you have to pay for it?
Go-to menu item at In-N-Out?
Are you planning on trying to stick it in the wrong hole on the first try?
Do you consider yourself an actor?
Which side of the bed do you sleep on?
Do you believe there is ever a time or place for carnations?
Upon (you) finishing (if we’re being real), who gets to use the bathroom first–me or you?
Is Outback Steakhouse a valid date location?
Are you clean? Follow up with: Do you plan on using a condom with me? When were you last tested relative to when you last had intimate contact with anyone? And since you can’t test for HPV, herpes, or warts, what is your history of unprotected vs. protected sex, and have you shown signs of the latter two? Oh, is this making you uncomfortable? WELL HAVING YOUR DICK INSIDE OF ME ISN’T EXACTLY THE MOST COMFORTABLE THING EITHER ALL THE TIME, ESPECIALLY DEPENDING ON THE HOLE, SO WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
If you were tutoring a 5-yr-old Latino boy named Favio (pronounced Fabio), and he burst out into tears, and you tried everything you could think of to make him feel better, but he just kept crying, how would you handle the situation?
Big spoon or little spoon?
If you were on death row, what would your last meal of choice be?
Tune in tomorrow for the correct answers (yes, there are correct answers to all of these–so if you’re about to sleep with a guy, wait until at least tomorrow so you can make sure he passes).
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