I’ll be the first to admit it–all I want in a man is a passion for washing sheets, the ability to dance (but not, like, verging-on-a-little-disturbing well), change a flat tire & look good in cowboy boots, and one of the below accents. Is that really too much to ask in exchange for the decades of gender discrimination my people have faced? There are really only a few accents that make you want to sing Olivia Newton John’s “Physical,” but replace the word ‘physical’ with ‘sexual.’ The rest are more likely to provide effective narration for public school educational sex-ed videos of the cautionary sort.
Be gone, plain old Middle American patter! You are the Crocs of accents and turn no one on. Good riddance, flamboyant French ramblings! I’m sick of feeling like I’m in the presence of a croissant, personified. Step aside, sleazy Italian indistinct noises! You sound like what marbles look like and are a disgrace. And Germans–well, you really got the shit end of the stick, especially with the Hitler of it all. Move over–there’s a new sheriff in town, and it’s any one of the below baby-makers.
There is just something about the rebellion inherent in this one that makes it a real panty-dropper–the Murphy’s Law-abiding, unbridled Irish approach to life is all embodied in the accent. It’s reminiscent of those wild, free nights filled with live acoustic folk music in the back of a sweaty pub, dark humor, and reckless abandon. Also, P.S. I Love You–need I say more?
SOUTHERN UNITED STATES
Minus the undertones of racism and bigotry, there’s something so satisfying on a carnal level about this one. Hearing it just makes you feel like you’re with a man. Like he could wrangle a salty bull with his bare hands if the situation called for it. And he could pick you up at any of your fluctuating weights and make you feel just light as a feather.
This one simultaneously manages to make you feel like you would be safe on a trek through the jungle with only his voice to guide your way, and also like your clothes might just melt off your body involuntarily. Sometimes it can verge on being a little soapy and/or porny, but if done tastefully, will produce instant swooning (actually will also produce instant swooning if done in a soapy and/or porny manner). Will also result in intense hatred of your own soft, pudgy body in comparison to his undoubtedly perfectly chiseled, honey golden tanned, surfer God body. But don’t feel too bad about yourself (please see: Outback Steakhouse & Steve Irwin).
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