While we were at the National Archives…

(you know, like the Constitution, Declaration of Independence, Bill of Rights, etc. etc.), here are some things that happened:

1. Sister: “I’m getting hungry, I need to find a place where I can eat my pistachios” [there’s a No Food rule]

Me, as I eat my unshelled pistachios: “You can do anything you put your mind to.”

2. Me to a security guard: “I have a question, and I think you’re going to say no.”

Him: “You don’t know I’m going to say no.”

Me: “Well, it’s against the rules and it’s a bizarre request.”

Him: “… Ok…”

Me: “Can I take a picture of the whistle on your shirt, because I just think it’s so cool. Like, if I was ever given that amount of power, I would be blowing the whistle ALL day.” [there’s also a No Pictures rule]

Him: “Ok, let’s go in the elevator” [I realize this sounds creepy but he was a sweet old man and was like cutely, surprisingly, as giddy as I was at the prospect of taking this photo, and I knew immediately that he meant ‘go in the elevator’ so he wouldn’t get in trouble for allowing a photo]

So we got in the elevator, pressed no floor, and I asked, “Can you be in it or is that not allowed?”

Him, modestly: “I can be in it.”

So I took it, and then he said, “And did you get a photo of this?” as he pointed to the inside of the elevator doors, where the Declaration of Independence was engraved. So, now, not only had he indulged my weird request, he had gotten fully on board with it AND gone out of his way to make sure I got another cool photo. This man was IN. THE. TRIBE. I really wanted to say, “You are the only person I ever want to be in an elevator with. For any amount of time. I could stay in here with you forever,” but I was so caught up in my excitement I sadly didn’t think to. I may go back tomorrow just to tell him that.

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I decided to cut/blur out any identifying details just in case anyone from the National Archives is tracking my blog and looking for security guards who break the rules for their spirit animal tourists.

3. Me shame-spiraling due to my ignorance re: American History:

Me to myself: “The Bill of Rights is the amendments, right? My major in college was only American Studies…”

Me: “Did Lincoln sign the Declaration of Independence?”

Sister: “No… He was the 16th president, remember?”

Me: “Actually, no, def thought he was the first president up until recently.”

As Featured on News Cult: Pickup Lines that Won’t Work at a Bar

How about you guys stop going to bars with the sole aim of getting laid? That would be the best solution. How about, instead, you go to just have fun with your friends? Or maybe meet some cool new interesting people who maybe eventually you’ll bang if, oh, I don’t know, there’s actually a connection there that goes deeper than your dick inside of her? I can already tell I’m not the kind of girl you like. But I really don’t care–I’m here to try to salvage the bar experience for women.

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So, if you spark to someone, do not do the below things. The simplest, and arguably easiest, way to see if there’s a connection there is just to say hi to her, and then CONVERSE LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING from there. If she’s not interested, don’t fault her–(I dare you to tell me you’ve been attracted to every woman who’s ever expressed interest in you—bring that conversation ON–I invite it, I look forward to it, I’m ready and waiting)–and find something else to do.

Say anything glasses-related

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Including, but not limited to: “Cool glasses,” “Are your glasses real?,” “Can I try your glasses on?,” or, God forbid, reaching at her face to take her glasses off without asking or any explanation so you can examine them/try them on/do whatever you plan to do with them, you fucking weirdo. She wears glasses to see the things she cannot see—it’s really that simple. She doesn’t wear them as a Hipster conversation piece, or pickup line invitation, or for your enjoyment. And if she’s wearing fake glasses you shouldn’t even be trying to pick her up anyways. Also, just because you also wear glasses doesn’t mean she’s somehow destined/required to sleep with you. Would you go up to people and examine their eyes extremely closely to see if they’re wearing contacts so you could talk to them about that? Your answer should absolutely with 100% certainty be, “no who does that???” So move along.

Hump

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I realize this is not a pickup line, but you apparently don’t. You’d think that by now, human males would’ve evolved to the point of understanding that if you just go rub your genitalia on whichever part of a female’s body you please, that won’t make her automatically open her legs to you. How would you feel if an unattractive, drunk guy such as yourself came up behind you, uninvited, and started dry humping you without even so much as a “hello”? What’s worse, he then doesn’t take/accept your subtle cue of turning away from him, which is your go-to reaction because you’ve been trained to feel like it’s somehow wrong, rude, or impolite to say “no” and that you must spare everyone’s feelings, even at the cost of your own comfort, and he follows you, humping all along the way, STILL without a word. I’m guessing you wouldn’t take super kindly to that. Just fucking stay home and masturbate—it’s the same thing but waaaay less rapey and will provide you better results anyway.

Say, “You know who you look like?…”

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DANGER ZONE. First of all, whatever you say, you are going to make her self-conscious. You could say she looks like Kate Upton, or Amber Heard, or whoever the flavor of the day happens to be, and she will still feel awkwardly forced into the spotlight and obligated to now evaluate how much she does look like this person (does she? does she really measure up?). So it’s even worse if you say she looks like someone who isn’t universally deemed “attractive” (although that’s a whole separate issue/article)–but, for the purpose of example, if you’re like, “You really remind me of Paula Deen,” that’s just not going to go over well. Now, the part where she has to evaluate the accuracy of your comparison pretty much consists entirely of, “I do NOT. Do I? Oh my god I can NOT look like that person. Holy mother of God my world is ending…” And she will most likely keep these evaluations to herself, and she’ll stew and ruminate over them, and see now you’ve just fucked with her self-image. So, how about instead of talking about what and who she looks like, you just don’t. (Unless you’re prepared for the comparisons to come back your way–you may be a lot more Jonah Hill and a lot less Channing Tatum than you’re willing to admit.)

Give a nod of the head, as if, “I did my part, now it’s all on her.”

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Really? Can’t you put just a little more effort into it? Let’s bring back the spoken word! Harness your vast vocabulary and pick an exciting greeting! You could really go for it and say, “Hey, how’s it going?” Or maybe you could even smile and ask her what she’s drinking. Or, if you’re feeling extra adventurous, you could rope your idiot friends into smoothly merging circles with her friends, by saying something like, “Hey, what are you guys up to? We’re celebrating my friend Bobby’s birthday. I’m Jason.” Literally the most generic possible greeting is better than giving her a bro nod—if she sees that, she’ll probably first wonder what it means (‘does he consider me the equivalent of a male friend he would make in a fraternity? Is he just having a minor seizure? Is he trying to signal, ‘hey, girl, the struggle is going to be real for you tonight in terms of finding a guy who will find you attractive—good luck with that, from afar’?’). And then she’ll keep walking, because, believe it or not, your pursed lips tilted back at a 45-degree angle are not as sexual as you think. And, hopefully, you’ll have an opportunity to say something even more unique–like if you both simultaneously witness something awkward between the bartender and another patron, or someone is breaking out the really bad dance moves and you both happen to make amused eye contact at the same time, USE THAT GIFT— THAT’S YOUR GOD-GIVEN INNNNNN. MAKING FUN OF OTHERS IS THE BEST WAY TO CONNECT WITH A PERSON—because if you can’t hate the same people, you’re never going to work.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/pickup-lines-wont-work-bar/

As Featured on News Cult: The Definitive Ranking of the Sexiest Accents on Men

I’ll be the first to admit it–all I want in a man is a passion for washing sheets, the ability to dance (but not, like, verging-on-a-little-disturbing well), change a flat tire & look good in cowboy boots, and one of the below accents. Is that really too much to ask in exchange for the decades of gender discrimination my people have faced? There are really only a few accents that make you want to sing Olivia Newton John’s “Physical,” but replace the word ‘physical’ with ‘sexual.’ The rest are more likely to provide effective narration for public school educational sex-ed videos of the cautionary sort.

Be gone, plain old Middle American patter! You are the Crocs of accents and turn no one on. Good riddance, flamboyant French ramblings! I’m sick of feeling like I’m in the presence of a croissant, personified. Step aside, sleazy Italian indistinct noises! You sound like what marbles look like and are a disgrace. And Germans–well, you really got the shit end of the stick, especially with the Hitler of it all. Move over–there’s a new sheriff in town, and it’s any one of the below baby-makers.

IRISH

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There is just something about the rebellion inherent in this one that makes it a real panty-dropper–the Murphy’s Law-abiding, unbridled Irish approach to life is all embodied in the accent. It’s reminiscent of those wild, free nights filled with live acoustic folk music in the back of a sweaty pub, dark humor, and reckless abandon. Also, P.S. I Love You–need I say more?

SOUTHERN UNITED STATES

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Minus the undertones of racism and bigotry, there’s something so satisfying on a carnal level about this one. Hearing it just makes you feel like you’re with a man. Like he could wrangle a salty bull with his bare hands if the situation called for it. And he could pick you up at any of your fluctuating weights and make you feel just light as a feather.

AUSTRALIAN

This one simultaneously manages to make you feel like you would be safe on a trek through the jungle with only his voice to guide your way, and also like your clothes might just melt off your body involuntarily. Sometimes it can verge on being a little soapy and/or porny, but if done tastefully, will produce instant swooning (actually will also produce instant swooning if done in a soapy and/or porny manner). Will also result in intense hatred of your own soft, pudgy body in comparison to his undoubtedly perfectly chiseled, honey golden tanned, surfer God body. But don’t feel too bad about yourself (please see: Outback Steakhouse & Steve Irwin). 

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/sexiest-accents-men/