It’s no secret that big boobs are considered desirable in this society. I’m not really sure why—I guess since everything is about reproduction on a carnal level, maybe big boobs signify ample milk for feeding your young, which means you can have lots of young and they will grow into big strong future seed-planters of your gene, after feasting heartily on your teat? I don’t know, and talking about it makes me uncomfortable, but for whatever reason, boobs are one of the more objectified parts of a woman’s body. And, apparently, when it comes to them, the bigger the better. On top of that, unfortunately, when women lose weight, it often comes from the boobs (and the butt)—OF COURSE the weight vacates the only places we might like it to stay, and absolutely refuses to budge from ALL OTHER PARTS OF THE BODY.
Well, there’s a new sheriff in town, and it’s my small boobs, and they’re here to say, “we actually aren’t the worst, whether you were born with us, or whether we’re here because you lost 10 pounds entirely and exclusively from your chest lol suckerrrrr.” Here’s why:
You can get away with not wearing a bra.
Not only can you get away with it, you won’t be uncomfortable, and also most likely won’t make others uncomfortable, like usually happens when someone goes braless and their nipply jugs just make themselves known, because yours simply aren’t big enough to accomplish any of those things. (I was going to say still wear a bra when exercising, though, since even small boobs jiggle if powered by enough momentum, but then I remembered that we don’t exercise).
They won’t cause you back pain.
Lord knows we already have enough neck, shoulder and back issues from leading sedentary lives hunched over the computer eating all the time, so we don’t need the extra burden of having to carry around a hefty rack.
They’re basically one small handful each, so you can use them as measuring references.
Like, instead of asking your co-worker, “Can I have a handful of your trail mix, please?” you can say, “Can I have a boob of your trail mix, please?” Or, when you go over to your neighbor’s, you can say, “Hi, so sorry to bother you, but I’m making pie and just barely ran out of sugar. Can you spare a boob?”
They won’t get in your way.
Bigger boobs cause spatial relations issues—people can run into them more easily and you can run into people with them more easily. Which just makes for lots of awkward “accidental boob touch” apologies, acknowledgments, and conversations, usually with strangers, who are often children, which then leads to, “That sensual touch was COMPLETELY accidental, no ill intention there, I am nooooot into children, just not my thing,” which then leads to, “What, my kid isn’t cute enough for you?” and the resulting necessary over-explanation, “No no no, your child is beautiful—very… attractive… It’s just, I don’t want to sleep with him?” and then you’re right back to the pedophile inquisitions.
You’ll know that whatever guy you end up with isn’t shallow.
(Because you’ll know he most certainly isn’t in it for the boobs! This could also mean he is into pre-pubescent teen boy bodies, but, hey, we’ll take what we can get, enthusiastically, with pep and vigor!)
If you happen to accidentally flash someone, people aren’t likely to notice.
Even if you do it on purpose, they won’t really be able to tell the difference between your chest and that of a chubby male. So you don’t have to worry about embarrassing yourself or getting arrested for indecent exposure. Stand in solidarity with the man boobs! They are your partners in crime!
Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/benefits-small-boobs/