As Featured on News Cult: 5 Good Stress Relievers

If you’re like me and your life is an endless, paralyzing stress spiral, you need some methods for pretending like everything isn’t as bad as it really is. Here are some I use:

1. First and foremost, laughter.

Laughter is everything–for reasons I won’t question, it provides an immediate sense of psychological and physiological relief. And, often times, it’s not laughter at innocently funny things that provides salvation–it’s laughter at wildly inappropriate, depressing, awful, difficult, horrible things. So, laugh AT whatever is causing you stress. Descend into maniacal laughter at how absurdly awful your life is, and it will, honest to God that I don’t believe in, do wonders.

2. Drink something warm

Holding and sipping on something warm–be it tea, cider, coffee, hot chocolate, a hot toddy, just some whiskey you threw in the microwave, whatever–is like  simultaneously giving and receiving a hug from a cozy, delicious teddy bear, with the added benefit of not actually having to make physical contact with another person.

3. Watch TV

There’s something about just zoning out and getting absorbed into someone else’s story that helps melt stress away. It’s distracting, engrossing, and, if you’re watching the right stuff, will make you feel a LOT better about your own life. Pls see: any TLC show or Lifetime movie of the week.

4. Masturbate

STOP READING, MOM–I know, I know, this is like one of those taboo things you’re not supposed to talk about or that makes people uncomfortable or whatever. I don’t know and don’t care, and that sounds like a personal problem to me. I KNOW NO BOUNDARIES. So, moving on–you know how I feel about sex with another person–it errs on the side of being not that great usually. So, just DIY. You won’t have to worry about if your armpits are shaved, if you’re moaning in a sexy or creepy-grunting-lion way, if you’re arching your back to provide maximal thinness in your stomach region but without throwing it out, having to try to get off by another’s hand when you know how long and arduous of a process that’s going to be, and so on. You know how to get yourself there, so enjoy the process and the surefire stress-relieving, endorphin-based benefits.

5. Just Give Up

When everything becomes too much, and you just can’t, just surrender. Lie on the floor, wipe the stack of papers that need attending to off your desk and into the trash, or cross things off your To Do list that you haven’t done and will not be doing. You feel paralyzed, so act paralyzed. Even though you should be working on all the things you need to accomplish that are stressing you out, doing nothing and letting go of control will provide some weird sense of calm at the pointlessness of it all. We’re all going to die anyway, so none of it really matters.

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2 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: 5 Good Stress Relievers

  1. kindredspirit23 says:

    Enjoyable post. While I do deeply believe in God, I am not a religious person, so we have a middle ground on which to unite.
    Masturbation is a healthy and practical way of doing things and gaining pleasure. While I would enjoy the efforts of trying to do well and, mostly, failing at having sex with someone, that isn’t likely to happen soon, so your idea is well-founded.
    I do mark things off my to-do list that I just know won’t get done. Mostly, it’s reading so many of the emails (I get about 200 per day) I have marked off. They won’t get read, so after a few days, if they are still there – out the window they go.
    Laughter, saved the best (well, sex is the best) for last. I love to laugh. You make me laugh, therefore, you are special in my life.
    Smile, someone cares for you,

    Liked by 1 person

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