As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with It When Your Roommate’s Boyfriend Basically Moves In

First of all, if this is happening to you, your roommate is the worst. Un-friend her in real life and on Facebook and get a better judge of character. Second of all, it means she isn’t very considerate, nor is her boyfriend, because only rude jerks would impose on you like this. Which means that they aren’t going to respond to reason–you could try sitting down with them and rationally explaining how it’s not really fair for him to be living in your apartment, eating your food, drinking your precious alcohol, hogging the bathroom and the remote, upping your utility bills, and making his awful sex noises through your paper thin walls at 3 AM if he’s not going to be paying rent. Not to mention you didn’t sign up to live with him–you signed up to live with his girlfriend/your now ex-friend. But, clearly, they do not understand logic, or we wouldn’t be in this situation. So below are some nontraditional coping mechanisms I would recommend using and which may provide you a better result.

Go to target practice, bring your paper targets back with you, and post them up on the walls to show what a good shot you are. [Please note, this involves you actually knowing how to shoot a gun responsibly, and being good at it.]

Put a lock on the bathroom door that only you have the key to.

Hold séances in all communal spaces.

Start midwifery training in your living room using a kiddie pool. Drop “midwifery” into your conversations w/ roommate + boyfriend at least 20x per day.

Any time he breaks out into song, join in and harmonize.

When they have their loud, disgusting sex, stand at her bedroom door knocking repeatedly while you ask if you can join.

Install one of those censors in your fridge that they have in hotel room mini-bars that goes off whenever he takes your food or alcohol, and then slip a nightly invoice under your roommate’s door.

Walk around naked–regardless of if you have a shitty or bangin’ body–always a surefire one to fall back on, because if it’s the former, you’ll just make them uncomfortable, and if it’s the latter, you’ll turn him on and make her jealous, and then she’ll get mad at him, they’ll argue, and, voilà–relationship destroyed, and he’s outta there.

Leave passive aggressive sticky notes–another reliable, tried and true method! Some suggested ones below:

  • “Hey, I noticed you ate my cookies. I thought you said you were on a diet? Or maybe it was just that I thought you should be.”
  • “I’ve noticed you’ve been mooching a lot. Do you want me to call the Department of Welfare for you? I know it can be hard to take the first step and reach out for help.”
  • “Doing my taxes and will be claiming you as a dependent. Pls fill out your SSN here _________.”

If they aren’t home before you go to bed:

  1. Lock deadbolt/door chain on front door
  2. Insert ear plugs/put on noise-cancelling head phones
  3. Turn off phone
  4. Lock your bedroom door (if it didn’t come with a lock, you will/should have installed one by now)
  5. Rest easy.

Make sure there isn’t a bag lining the bathroom trash can, and then don’t wrap your used tampons in anything when you throw them away.

Host frequent Disney Channel movie marathons/sing-alongs.

Burn popcorn in the microwave at least once a day.

Eavesdrop on their conversations, and then work bits from those into your own conversations with them. E.g.:

Roommate: “… Oh babe, what Alex just said reminds me, we have to buy your mom a birthday present.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah ok, let’s do that today if we have time.”

You: “So when are you guys gonna try anal? Because Emma, I know you wanted to wait like 3 more months, but Jason, you weren’t too happy about that.”

Leave an entire fish in the rice cooker for 12 hours (turn it off 5-6 hours in).

Insist that you go to group therapy together. Threaten to kill yourself until they agree.

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3 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: How to Deal with It When Your Roommate’s Boyfriend Basically Moves In

  1. kindredspirit23 says:

    You did leave out turning them into the landlord as the lease no doubt does not allow extra people to move in (at least, unless married – use the other ideas to stop that).

    You can also decide to put your credit in the toilet and just move out – leave them with the full rent. Let the landlord sue, leave no forwarding address, then be prepared to pay out the nose if / when they all find you. Just a thought.

    Liked by 1 person

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