How to be Broken Up with Gracefully

Being broken up with is not super great. But clearly the person breaking up with us is not right in the head because we’re majestic sphinxes. So we’ll just take our radiance elsewhere, and on our way out, here are some ways we can exit like the graceful swans we are.

Say any of these things:

“That’s ok, I was planning on crying myself to sleep anyways.”

“OK but so who gets the Netflix account?”

“No! Nope–I’m breaking up with you. Consider yourself broken up with.”

“I’m pregnant–or not, whichever scenario makes you more likely to stay.”

“I guess now’s a good time to tell you that your dad fathered an illegitimate child with his secretary. Your brother told me when we slept together.”

“I do not accept.”

“Is it because I ate those 9 fruit roll-ups for breakfast?”

“Oh thank God–consistently shaving my legs was becoming exhausting.”

“Yeah I’d break up with me too if I could.”

Do any of these things:

Literally bow out

Send him an itemized bill of your birth control costs.


Refuse to leave–insist that he leaves, even if you’re at his place.

High-five him

Burn all of his belongings on his front lawn and use the fire to make s’mores.

Take everything that will fit in your arms/pockets.

Put an anonymous call into border patrol telling them they may want to check out the guy you used to bed “because he’s suspiciously brown.”

Don’t break eye contact–even after he’s stopped talking.

Take off your bra, unbutton your pants, and breathe a sigh of relief.

Moonwalk your way out.

Remember to be eco-friendly and use all the tears you’ll cry to water your cactus, the one plant you’ve managed not to kill yet.

Don’t say anything–just laugh maniacally.

Call the DUI hotline and report his license plate #.

Drop the mic.

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