Why Jealousy is a Waste of Your Time

Here’s the deal: there will always be someone better than you. Someone smarter, prettier, richer, skinnier, happier, luckier. BUT–good news for us is there will also always be someone worse. Someone dumber, uglier, poorer, fatter, sadder, more unlucky. And if there’s one thing we love, it’s rejoicing at the misfortune of others. So rather than waste your time focusing on everything you don’t have and never will, invest your mental and emotional energy in enjoying all the ways you’re already winning. Because, shocking as it may be, compared to someone, you are a winner.

Don’t get me wrong–we can and will still spend plenty of time hating people. But hate them because they have more than 12 items in the express lane at the grocery store YOU CLEARLY HAVE AT LEAST 17 CAN YOU NOT READ OR ARE YOU JUST A TOOL YOU DUMB FUCK, or because they are a worthless, piece of shit friend, or gave you Syphilis. Hate them because they’re terrible, not because they’re a whole lot less unfortunate than you.

If you pine after that which you’re lacking, you’ll drive yourself nuts. It’s a losing battle. Your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend has skinnier calves than you? Good luck ever attaining that–no amount of jealousy in the world is going to make your cankles disappear. Instead, enjoy the fact that you get to eat cake. Your coworker got promoted instead of you? The position has been filled, so move on with your life–relish the stress you don’t have with the increased responsibility they do. You showed up to prom in the same dress as your arch nemesis, and she’s wearing it better? What. ever. Just dance and let yourself be free and let this be a lesson to you that one should never go to prom because prom is awful. Put the dress to good use so much so that by the end of the night, you’ve either torn it to shreds or a cute guy has (but in, like, a non-rapey way).

My mom’s yoga teacher (and someone smart before her) once said that being bitter/jealous is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. And while I do love spewing toxic negativity at other people, I don’t want to direct that shit inward. And I must say, the freedom that comes with the “I just don’t care and can’t be bothered” attitude is quite appealing. Because I have a lot of no fucks to give and not a lot of time to give them.

Let anyone who deserves karmic retribution dig their own grave (and of course you’re free/encouraged to spit on it as soon as their coffin goes subterranean), and as for those who have what you want, for once in your life, actually follow Disney’s lead and LET IT GO. Free yourself. So you have time to do the important things in life. Like getting into raucous debates with your parents over brunch about the legitimacy of the self-proclaimed feminist value of MAD MAX that end with your mother slamming the table, demanding “WHY CAN’T THERE BE FULL FRONTAL NUDE SHOTS OF MALES AS OFTEN AS FEMALES IN FILMS?!” Or making 3 AM runs to the grocery store because THIS IS AMERICA WHERE THINGS ARE OPEN 24/7 AND WE CAN GET FOOD TO SHAME-EAT AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY. Or teaching the second graders you tutor that there’s really no such thing as a “bad” word–it all depends on context, and if they want to tell their dad to “fuck off” because he won’t let them have a third fruit roll-up, you fully support that. Know your priorities, people.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=44511

10 Ways to Dodge a Kiss

Ok, this one, I DO dread. When someone goes in for the kiss and you’re not feeling it, (if you were even aware you were on a date), it’s basically the worst. But have no fear–I’m going to coach you through what you can do to dodge the unwanted kiss with the skill of a Chinese child laborer. Your options are:

1. BOB AND WEAVE, PEOPLE. Bob. and. weave.

2. Start crying

Make it ugly, otherwise you run the risk of them thinking you’re a delicate damsel in distress who needs their saving.

3. Start a diatribe against people who don’t recycle.

You’re Rand Paul and this topic is your Patriot Act–you could go for HOURS.

4. Tell them they remind you of your father

When they’re about 2 inches from landing.

5. Blow your rape whistle

Which you should have at all times around your neck or on your belt.

6. Break out into dance

You can say you have Terror Squad/Fat Joe’s “Lean Back” stuck in your head.

7. Say you’re saving your first kiss for marriage.

Hey, the Duggars do it, and look how well it turned out for them.

8. Scream “I HAVE ORAL HERPES”

You can thank me later.

9. Sneeze

10. Stop drop and roll

Right out of there

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/10-perfect-ways-dodge-kiss-really-dont-want/

9 Ways to Fill Awkward Silence

The dreaded awkward silence. I mean, you already know I live for it. I revel in it. It’s my bread and butter. It is the wheelhouse to my hamster (Not where that saying came from? Well it is now). I’m peanut butter and it’s my JAM. I’m awkward and I hate talking to people, after all–so we couldn’t be better suited. But other people don’t share my affinity for awkward silence. They look at it as a space that needs filling. And then they get weird, and then things unravel like Britney circa 2007, and your only remaining option is to about-face right out of there and pretend like it never happened. So I thought I’d come up with some suggestions for what you can do to fill awkward silence:

1. Break into song

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I would recommend a slave spiritual, the Full House theme song, or Sisqó’s “Thong Song” (can we take a moment to address the fact that he has an “ó” in his name? Gives me a whole new perspective on how I’ve been pronouncing it all these years.).

2. Ask the other person if they’re aware that Hillary Clinton used to be on the board of Wal-Mart

3. Tell a joke

Something along the lines of, “Why did your mom cross the road?”… “I don’t know, I was too busy doing her HEY-O.”

4. Tell them about your dream last night

“I had to keep from falling off the earth, but there was nothing to hold onto, and then my aunt died of a stress-induced stroke, but I called bullshit on that because like does stress even have the ability to induce strokes? Plus she was kind of a tool anyways, and I also kept having to evade Zorro, so I had a lot on my plate.”

5. Break into prayer

“Now seems like as good a time as ever.”

6. Talk about yourself

“I really need to shave my legs,” or, “You know, I’ve noticed lately that my inner thighs are really strong–want to feel?” or, “Actually, why should I shave them? There’s no one to shave them for.”

7. Offer to do a magic trick

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And then make yourself disappear.

8. Ask their advice

“I’ve been thinking about giving my co-worker’s toddler one good, solid throat punch, because he’s the spawn of Satan. Do you think that would be appropriate?” or, “Where do you come out on the whole heroin thing?” or, “I think I’m ready to cut my own bangs. What do you think? Keep in mind, I will hold you responsible and accountable for any negative outcome.”

9. Just start bartering

“I’ll give you my hair tie if you give me your bra,” or, “Any interest in trading my fanny pack for a lock of your hair? I’ve gotten a lot of good mileage out of this thing–it’s very reliable,” or, “Cute dog. How much you looking for for it?”

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/9-fool-proof-ways-break-awkward-silence/

Should the Guy or Girl Make the First Move? Let’s Discuss

I think I’ve made it abundantly clear by now that I don’t know how to date, or do human interaction. But I do have some thoughts on this. By which I mean I have questions.

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I, for one, will never make the first move if I, on the rare occasion, like someone. Because if there’s one thing I hate more than liking someone, it’s feeling vulnerable. No, thank you, world of heartbreak. I’d like to take a hard pass on emotional suicide. Yeah how about 2000-and-Never I’ll do that. No, no, a thousand times no. I think I’ll stay in the safety of my emotional dysfunction cocoon.

But I do still expect a guy to put himself out there if he, on the rare occasion, likes me. I may be unwilling to fall on my own emotional sword, but I certainly don’t think he’s exempt from that. Maybe this is because, historically, our society has promoted the “men should take the lead” ideal. But, more likely, it’s because I don’t want to risk getting hurt, but don’t want that to preclude me from all romantic opportunity, so I’d still like him to shoulder all the potential risk and emotional burden.

Is this hypocritical? No doubt about it. But it’s just the way I don’t do emotions. And I’m willing to accept that this game of emotional chicken may mean I never succeed at dating. Because, if you don’t ask/try, you never know, right? But I’m fine with that. I’ll take never asking/trying over trying and failing ANY DAY of the week.

And maybe this is because I really honestly believe that if I try, I will fail. I think I just feel like it’s not worth me expressing my feelings to anyone because I don’t think they are, or will be, reciprocated. Rather than thinking this is kind of sad, pathetic, and pitiful, I prefer to look at it as pragmatic. I feel confident in my ability to weigh my odds and come to a rational, evidence-based conclusion: that anyone I like doesn’t like me, and the only people who like me are the equivalent of, (if not actually), drunk, self-unaware homeless men who’ve gotten kicked out of their halfway houses and/or mothers’ basements.

If this all means that I’m going to live and die alone, that’s ok. I have Netflix and my dog. And one of those backpacks you’re supposed to fill with water that has the easy-access, over-the-shoulder straw, but that I obviously use for wine.

But I wonder if this is how everyone feels. I’m sure no one wants to put themselves out there for rejection, but clearly there are millions of obnoxious couples in the world, so someone has been making the first move. Is it different in each situation? Or is it normally the guy just because that’s more socially acceptable? Or is it usually just that you each get drunk enough and end up smashing faces at the end of the night, and before you know it, you’re having a destination wedding and subjecting all of your Facebook friends to the nauseatingly basic photo documentation?

As usual, I don’t know the answer. I know that in my individual case, I think the guy should make the first move, and I don’t think it would be wildly irresponsible to generalize that and venture that most girls may have the same preference. However, again, I don’t think that is so much gender-based as it is fear of rejection-based, so I can also see guys saying they’d prefer girls to make the first move. Thusly, we’re at an impasse. Perhaps this is why we have online dating–so that if you put yourself out there, you already have an algorithm to suggest the odds are in your favor, and even if you proposition someone and they decline, the blow is softened by the cushion and anonymity of the Internet. But we’ve already been over why we don’t online date, so, basically, in conclusion, we’re fucked (or maybe it’s just me).

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=43812