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Why Jealousy is a Waste of Your Time

Here’s the deal: there will always be someone better than you. Someone smarter, prettier, richer, skinnier, happier, luckier. BUT–good news for us is there will also always be someone worse. Someone dumber, uglier, poorer, fatter, sadder, more unlucky. And if there’s one thing we love, it’s rejoicing at the misfortune of others. So rather than waste your time focusing on everything you don’t have and never will, invest your mental and emotional energy in enjoying all the ways you’re already winning. Because, shocking as it may be, compared to someone, you are a winner.

Don’t get me wrong–we can and will still spend plenty of time hating people. But hate them because they have more than 12 items in the express lane at the grocery store YOU CLEARLY HAVE AT LEAST 17 CAN YOU NOT READ OR ARE YOU JUST A TOOL YOU DUMB FUCK, or because they are a worthless, piece of shit friend, or gave you Syphilis. Hate them because they’re terrible, not because they’re a whole lot less unfortunate than you.

If you pine after that which you’re lacking, you’ll drive yourself nuts. It’s a losing battle. Your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend has skinnier calves than you? Good luck ever attaining that–no amount of jealousy in the world is going to make your cankles disappear. Instead, enjoy the fact that you get to eat cake. Your coworker got promoted instead of you? The position has been filled, so move on with your life–relish the stress you don’t have with the increased responsibility they do. You showed up to prom in the same dress as your arch nemesis, and she’s wearing it better? What. ever. Just dance and let yourself be free and let this be a lesson to you that one should never go to prom because prom is awful. Put the dress to good use so much so that by the end of the night, you’ve either torn it to shreds or a cute guy has (but in, like, a non-rapey way).

My mom’s yoga teacher (and someone smart before her) once said that being bitter/jealous is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. And while I do love spewing toxic negativity at other people, I don’t want to direct that shit inward. And I must say, the freedom that comes with the “I just don’t care and can’t be bothered” attitude is quite appealing. Because I have a lot of no fucks to give and not a lot of time to give them.

Let anyone who deserves karmic retribution dig their own grave (and of course you’re free/encouraged to spit on it as soon as their coffin goes subterranean), and as for those who have what you want, for once in your life, actually follow Disney’s lead and LET IT GO. Free yourself. So you have time to do the important things in life. Like getting into raucous debates with your parents over brunch about the legitimacy of the self-proclaimed feminist value of MAD MAX that end with your mother slamming the table, demanding “WHY CAN’T THERE BE FULL FRONTAL NUDE SHOTS OF MALES AS OFTEN AS FEMALES IN FILMS?!” Or making 3 AM runs to the grocery store because THIS IS AMERICA WHERE THINGS ARE OPEN 24/7 AND WE CAN GET FOOD TO SHAME-EAT AT ALL HOURS OF THE DAY. Or teaching the second graders you tutor that there’s really no such thing as a “bad” word–it all depends on context, and if they want to tell their dad to “fuck off” because he won’t let them have a third fruit roll-up, you fully support that. Know your priorities, people.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=44511

10 Ways to Dodge a Kiss

Ok, this one, I DO dread. When someone goes in for the kiss and you’re not feeling it, (if you were even aware you were on a date), it’s basically the worst. But have no fear–I’m going to coach you through what you can do to dodge the unwanted kiss with the skill of a Chinese child laborer. Your options are:

1. BOB AND WEAVE, PEOPLE. Bob. and. weave.

2. Start crying

Make it ugly, otherwise you run the risk of them thinking you’re a delicate damsel in distress who needs their saving.

3. Start a diatribe against people who don’t recycle.

You’re Rand Paul and this topic is your Patriot Act–you could go for HOURS.

4. Tell them they remind you of your father

When they’re about 2 inches from landing.

5. Blow your rape whistle

Which you should have at all times around your neck or on your belt.

6. Break out into dance

You can say you have Terror Squad/Fat Joe’s “Lean Back” stuck in your head.

7. Say you’re saving your first kiss for marriage.

Hey, the Duggars do it, and look how well it turned out for them.

8. Scream “I HAVE ORAL HERPES”

You can thank me later.

9. Sneeze

10. Stop drop and roll

Right out of there

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/10-perfect-ways-dodge-kiss-really-dont-want/