How to Get Better Sleep

Sleep. The only thing we want (besides food), and the only thing we can’t get enough of (besides food). Why is it so hard. Why is everything terrible. If I could sleep forever, I would. I don’t know what Sleeping Beauty was complaining about–if I were her, I’d love to stay sleeping and would never want to be woken up, let alone by a kiss from a guy who’s a prince and undoubtedly has narcissism issues consequently. Some may call that a coma, others may call it death, but I call it heaven.

But of course sleep evades us. To some, it comes easy. But not to us. I can’t even take a nap to save my life. However, I’ve found some ways to improve my night sleep, so allow me to share those with you.

  1. Daydream

Nightdream? Spend some time fantasizing about the life you’d actually like to lead versus the shitty one you’re probably leading. Just pretend your life is better than it is. Build your dream house, hook up with your perfect person, break up with the loser you’re dating, sculpt your perfect body while also eating anything and everything you want—all in your head. This will bring a pleasant calm to your mind, which will help you sleep. And then you’ll have a rude awakening when you come out of your slumber to realize it was all a dream–but whatever it takes to get you to fall asleep. That, or you’ll spiral into a panic about how pathetic your life is and how you’re not at all remotely close to where you want to be. We’ll take our chances.

  1. Drink something warm

Decaf tea, milk, whiskey, I’m not judging. Do what you have to do to induce drowsiness.

  1. Watch TV or listen to music

All evidence and morning news programs would say you should not do this. But I’ve had nothing but success when I put on music or a TV show or movie—it puts me right to sleep. Because the alternative is being left alone in the dark quiet with my mind, and as much as I’d love it if obsessive anxiety, panic, and dread were promoters of sleep, that’s just not great for my REM.

  1. Cuddle up with a heating pad, hot water bottle, or dog.

It feels like a cozy embrace, with the added benefit of not actually having to come in contact with another human.

  1. Have sex

Because the sex you’re having will put you to sleep.

  1. Drugs obviously

If you don’t need to go the prescription-strength route, try OTC Benadryl or ZzzQuil. I’ve also heard Melatonin works well but have never tried it myself. Please note I’m not a physician so you can’t sue me if/when you get hurt as a result of being dumb and not reading the idiot-proof instructions on these medications.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=41798

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10 thoughts on “How to Get Better Sleep

  1. George says:

    Well, not to leave food out of the equation, how about a large Thanksgiving dinner since turkey is known to have chemicals that are sure to put you to sleep. And if you make a big enough turkey with all the dressings, you’ll have enough to sleep for a week…or two days depending how much you decide to pork down in one sitting.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. peckapalooza says:

    I’m on board with the TV thing. In silence, my mind keeps going a million miles an hour. When I turn on Netflix and start up a movie that I’ve seen 3,000 times with the volume sort of low, it’s enough to drown out those pesky thoughts in my brain. And then I’m out.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. DoesItEvenMatterWhoIAm? says:

    Whiskey! DOG! Sex! So absolutely not in that order! Holy shit that sounds terrible!! Note to self… don’t drink and comment on WordPress…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. kindredspirit23 says:

    I don’t sleep well, but what has helped me is this:
    1) Relax, don’t worry
    2) 5mg Melatonin around 5-7pm
    3) 1 Valerian root 1/2 hour before bed (it is kinda nature’s Valium).
    *wouldn’t mind trying the sex idea…

    Like

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