20 Greeting Cards They Should Make

I feel under-served by the greeting card market. Hallmark does not speak for me. There should be more greeting cards that serve practical purposes and express real feelings–enough of this bunnies and rainbows bullshit.

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No one is actually happy for your anniversary (do I celebrate every year that passes and I’m still alone?), or gives a shit that you and your husband just moved into a new house (Oooooo, you reside in a dwelling–BFD, so do I, WHY THE FUCK SHOULD YOU BE COMMENDED FOR THAT, IF ANYTHING IT’S MUCH HARDER TO SURVIVE AS A HOMELESS PERSON). No one really wishes you well (if we’re being honest, I hope you get Ebola), or is thankful for that piece of shit Christmas gift you bought them (let me get this straight–you bought me a turtleneck, and I’m supposed to be GRATEFUL? I’m sorry, am I a virgin in the year 1995?).

In the name of keeping it 100, here are 20 greeting cards that should be made.

1. Hey, I have HPV. So you may too. Happy Friday!

2. [Front]: THANKS.

[Inside]: For nothing, asshole.

3. PASS.

4. Congrats on graduating, def never thought you would. Seriously am so surprised.

5. [Front]: I would say happy birthday

[Inside]: but I’m not happy it’s your birthday because you’re kind of the worst. No, not even kind of. You are just the worst.

6. NOPE.

7. [Front]: Condolences

[Inside]: You are having a baby.

8. Congratulations I guess or whatever.

9. I’M NOT SORRY.

10. [Front]: This isn’t working out.

[Inside]: BYE.

11. UGH.

12. You put the ‘whore’ in ‘horrible.’

13. You’re welcome.

14. FALL OFF A BRIDGE.

15. [Front]: You are getting married.

[Inside]: Condolences.

16. NO ONE IS HAPPY YOU WERE BORN.

17. [Front]: Happy Mother’s Day.

[Inside]: You cunt.

18. [Front]: Happy Divorce

[Inside]: Told you so LOL.

19. [Front]: Thinking of you…

[Inside]: As I take out the trash.

20. [Front]: Hey I’m pregnant, so just gonna need a check from you to cover the abortion, or Venmo (do you have Venmo? Best if you have a debit card because sometimes it can get real fussy if you try to use a savings account) kthx

[Inside]: Happy Valentine’s Day!

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38 thoughts on “20 Greeting Cards They Should Make

  1. peckapalooza says:

    I had this issue when trying to find a card for my mom for Mother’s Day. I ended up writing one myself letting her know that, until Tina Fey starts her own line of greeting cards, this is the best she’ll get.

    Also, I’ve been advocating the You’re Welcome cards for years. Because how do you respond when someone sends a Thank You card. It’s not like you call and say thank you for the thank you. Ugh… etiquette is the worst. Just don’t do it.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. bensbitterblog says:

    Oh my gosh, I thought about doing a line of Bitter Greeting Cards a while ago. I think either you should hire me, or I should hire you to make up saying to put on them and sell them to horrible people like me for other horrible people I know.

    My idea for one: Congratulations on your kindergarten graduation. You passed your eating paste requirements.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Roy Robinson says:

    All great! Personally, a big fan of the minimalist cards — the ones that fit so many occasions: NOPE, PASS, UGH are highly marketable. Might want to add SO?, NEVER MIND, ANYWAY…, WTF?, ETC., and FINALLY.

    Liked by 1 person

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