11 Suggested Birthday Gifts

As with everything, birthday presents are about making people uncomfortable and being passive aggressive. Any birthday is a beautiful day to ruin lives, people.

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To that end, here are birthday gifts you should definitely give to the people in your life.

1. Soap 

Because nothing says, “you disgust me” quite like it.

2. Cake 

Suggested accompanying message [can be written or spoken]: “You’ve already let yourself go, so might as well shove this in your gaping mouth hole too.”

3. A doormat

Because nothing says, “I’m going to walk all over you” so succinctly.

4. Maternity clothes.

For the non-pregnant females in your life. “You know, just thinking ahead.”

5. A cookbook

Because nothing says, “you’re a terrible cook” quite like it.

6. A picture frame

You can tell them, “For that college diploma, if you ever get it,” or, “For your wedding photo, if you ever find someone to marry,” or, “For a photo of your baby if you ever find someone who loves you enough to have kids with you [not that you have to love someone to make a baby with them–please see most marriages w/ children].”

7. A massage

Because nothing says, “I don’t want to touch your sad, doughy body, so I’m gonna have to pay someone else to do it” so aptly.

8. Alcohol

This is more a gift for you than them, because lord knows you’re going to need it to be able to stand their company [feel free to tell them this].

9. Gift certificates

Because nothing says, “you look poor” better.

10. A Weight Watchers membership.

Duh.

11. Condoms

Because nothing says, “you should absolutely not procreate” quite like them.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/11-suggested-birthday-gifts/

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