Your first objective is to survive. Beyond that, here are some things you can do if you’re
unfortunate enough to have your parental unit imposing on visiting you this holiday.
1. Dredge up all the skeletons in the family closet.
Just air that dirty laundry like there’s no tomorrow. Who has been uninvited to whose bat mitzvah, who is the favorite child of the 2 siblings, who disapproves of whose boyfriend, who killed the family tortoise maybe accidentally 12 years ago, who was genius
sociopathic enough to carve whose name into the dining room table so the latter would get in trouble, and all the other normal family things…
2. Take them to bottomless mimosas brunch
So when said skeletons are dug up, they’ll just roll right off everyone’s liquor-lubricated shoulders.
3. Take them to a movie
2 hours sans conversation. You’re welcome.
4. Refrain as much as possible from giving them details about your life.
The more you tell them about the sad state of affairs that is currently your existence, the more worried they’re going to be. And the more worried they become, the more they’re going to try to
control help you. No need to tell them you had tequila shots at your company party on Thursday night and were three sheets to the wind by 6:15 PM, because then they’ll try to send you to AA. Or that you have HPV again, which you suspect is a result of not using condoms with that last mistake you dated, because then they’ll just be convinced you’re going to get cervical cancer if you don’t already have it. Or that you responded to a question your boss asked you the other day with “blow me” since you really just can’t be bothered to be even a mediocre employee, because then they’ll project their fears that you’ll never be a stable, working adult with steady health insurance on you, and you simply don’t have time for that.
5. Discuss arrangements for their deaths.
Might as well use this time together to sort out their wills, funeral arrangements, medical powers of attorney, life insurance, DNR’s, desired burial locations, etc.
6. Take them to trivia night at a dive bar
They’ll be busy actually putting in effort to answer the questions while you’re busy drinking beer and eating wings while making eyes at the sad townie who’s clearly been there since 3 PM but seems like he isn’t picky. Win-win (-win, probably, since they’ll most likely know the answers to the trivia because they’re old enough to have experienced most everything, and actually read books and watch the news and give a fuck about things other than Tinder swipes, the plethora of Jenner family plastic surgeries, or if anyone can tell if they’ve gained 3 pounds or they can get away with wearing a tank top to froyo without looking like a complete whale).
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