Should the Guy or Girl Make the First Move? Let’s Discuss

I think I’ve made it abundantly clear by now that I don’t know how to date, or do human interaction. But I do have some thoughts on this. By which I mean I have questions.

I, for one, will never make the first move if I, on the rare occasion, like someone. Because if there’s one thing I hate more than liking someone, it’s feeling vulnerable. No, thank you, world of heartbreak. I’d like to take a hard pass on emotional suicide. Yeah how about 2000-and-Never I’ll do that. No, no, a thousand times no. I think I’ll stay in the safety of my emotional dysfunction cocoon.

But I do still expect a guy to put himself out there if he, on the rare occasion, likes me. I may be unwilling to fall on my own emotional sword, but I certainly don’t think he’s exempt from that. Maybe this is because, historically, our society has promoted the “men should take the lead” ideal. But, more likely, it’s because I don’t want to risk getting hurt, but don’t want that to preclude me from all romantic opportunity, so I’d still like him to shoulder all the potential risk and emotional burden.

Is this hypocritical? No doubt about it. But it’s just the way I don’t do emotions. And I’m willing to accept that this game of emotional chicken may mean I never succeed at dating. Because, if you don’t ask/try, you never know, right? But I’m fine with that. I’ll take never asking/trying over trying and failing ANY DAY of the week.

And maybe this is because I really honestly believe that if I try, I will fail. I think I just feel like it’s not worth me expressing my feelings to anyone because I don’t think they are, or will be, reciprocated. Rather than thinking this is kind of sad, pathetic, and pitiful, I prefer to look at it as pragmatic. I feel confident in my ability to weigh my odds and come to a rational, evidence-based conclusion: that anyone I like doesn’t like me, and the only people who like me are the equivalent of, (if not actually), drunk, self-unaware homeless men who’ve gotten kicked out of their halfway houses and/or mothers’ basements.

If this all means that I’m going to live and die alone, that’s ok. I have Netflix and my dog. And one of those backpacks you’re supposed to fill with water that has the easy-access, over-the-shoulder straw, but that I obviously use for wine.

But I wonder if this is how everyone feels. I’m sure no one wants to put themselves out there for rejection, but clearly there are millions of obnoxious couples in the world, so someone has been making the first move. Is it different in each situation? Or is it normally the guy just because that’s more socially acceptable? Or is it usually just that you each get drunk enough and end up smashing faces at the end of the night, and before you know it, you’re having a destination wedding and subjecting all of your Facebook friends to the nauseatingly basic photo documentation?

As usual, I don’t know the answer. I know that in my individual case, I think the guy should make the first move, and I don’t think it would be wildly irresponsible to generalize that and venture that most girls may have the same preference. However, again, I don’t think that is so much gender-based as it is fear of rejection-based, so I can also see guys saying they’d prefer girls to make the first move. Thusly, we’re at an impasse. Perhaps this is why we have online dating–so that if you put yourself out there, you already have an algorithm to suggest the odds are in your favor, and even if you proposition someone and they decline, the blow is softened by the cushion and anonymity of the Internet. But we’ve already been over why we don’t online date, so, basically, in conclusion, we’re fucked (or maybe it’s just me).

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47 thoughts on “Should the Guy or Girl Make the First Move? Let’s Discuss

  1. peckapalooza says:

    As the guy, in theory, I have no problem making the first move. But, as me, I have a huge problem making the first move. And that’s only because I’ve been conditioned to believe that no matter who she is and no matter how strong or weak my feelings toward her are, she’s gonna say no. For about the last five years or so, I’ve just lived under the assumption that any woman I meet and find attractive is clearly out of my league. Which kind of sticks me in the “why bother?” category.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. triSARAHtops says:

    I told my parents that if I become single again I expect them to arrange a marriage for me as I am 100% against dating as it’s kind of the worst.
    I realize that this is not a very encouraging comment …
    PS. I don’t see any problem with wanting the guy to make the first move.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Omgshereallysaidthat says:

    Do you like cats? If you do, you won’t die alone 😉. Jusssstttt kidding. I was the same way in my single days but I did have to make the first move on my hubs. I knew he was in to me so I went for it. Sometimes you just know and THAT’S when you should feel 100% ok with just going for it.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Mindy says:

    I want a backpack solely for drinking wine out of 😦😦😦 wait. What was this post about again? Not wine… Oh. Right. Making the first move. I am definitely more comfortable with the guy going in for the kiss first; although, I’m sure guys would say they’d like for the (sober) girl to go first. I feel as though if you lay some solid, yet subtle groundwork the other person will make the first move, or else you can comfortably make it without feeling too vulnerable. If you’re the first to give them a hug or hold their hand then they might feel comfortable making the first move. Basically no matter what, it will always be awkward, but getting back to the main point of this post: wine. Drink it regardless of who makes the first move.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Flop til you drop "FTYD" says:

    You had to read body language and the personality type of the individual you like. When I was single and found a guy attractive… I would wait a bit and assess him. If he’s shy, and doesn’t seem to have had a lot of girlfriends/dating experience, then it’s up to the girl to make the bold move. This also works in the case of the guy who dates a lot, who has no issues, sometimes he likes when a girl is bold and does the “let’s meet for coffee,” thing. However, those guys are ify. Sometimes, they are interested in the negotiating of going out… so you just let them know you’re interested in friendly banter- kind of flirty matter.

    So, I hate to say this: but it varies on a case-by-case scenario. If you really want to hang out with someone, but you are just not sure if they dig you… suggest a group of people get together-co-workers going out for round of drinks or hitting up a comedy house. party. What have you, so it’s hanging out with mutual others… not a date.

    Seriously, if you do the waiting… I found you end up waiting a long time with nothing coming to fruition or worse…watching them date others…like a co-worker of theirs or your friend! yeah, been there on that one, yea, I’m so happy for you (secretly thinking- go die)

    Liked by 2 people

  6. DoesItEvenMatterWhoIAm? says:

    Alex, I can regale you with about a bajillion stories of dating where I was the aggressor, and instigator of so many adventures and so very many misadventures as well. Even up to the point of meeting the man who I am now married to. So, be sure to leave that time open in your schedule in July…

    Also, DIDNEYLAN! I might be in a leg cast, so my kid is gonna need someone to ride some crazy roller coasters with! July 9th – take the day OFF! ;-D

    Liked by 1 person

  7. kindredspirit23 says:

    Okay, okay, I will make the first move and ask you…hmm…no answer, I kinda figured that one. See? I can go first.I have gotten used to rejection(s). Online dating makes highly for that if you are a guy who is not rich and loves to travel and can put all your own needs aside for her. Oh, and did I say rich?!
    The difficult ones aren’t the ones who are rude and tell you “Get lost!” No, the difficult ones are the ones who just never answer the 3 paragraph letter you sent that you spent an hour on and just wanted a frikkin’ response!!! (one, two, three…)

    Liked by 1 person

  8. bensbitterblog says:

    I always felt like I had to make the first move, but that’s just me. And some people just like to be pursued. Nothing wrong with that. And honestly, if a guy isn’t pursuing you they are making the biggest mistake. That is just a factlyn, Jaclyn.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Issa says:

    Makes me feel like am late for the party. Am I late for the party??? I just had to ask. Here are my three cents (too many two cents)…if you like a guy just make the first move…coz asking someone if they can do coffee doesn’t automatically mean you are asking them out….well after they say yes to the coffee go charm the hell out of them and they will definitely ask you out and guess what you can still say you didnt make the first move cz technically they asked you out first, all you did was ask them out for a friendly coffee (sneaky right). To another point, am still pissed off at the people who sat down and decided that men should be making the first move (wait no one sat down to decide that) then who the hell did???

    Liked by 1 person

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