9 Ways to Fill Awkward Silence

The dreaded awkward silence. I mean, you already know I live for it. I revel in it. It’s my bread and butter. It is the wheelhouse to my hamster (Not where that saying came from? Well it is now). I’m peanut butter and it’s my JAM. I’m awkward and I hate talking to people, after all–so we couldn’t be better suited. But other people don’t share my affinity for awkward silence. They look at it as a space that needs filling. And then they get weird, and then things unravel like Britney circa 2007, and your only remaining option is to about-face right out of there and pretend like it never happened. So I thought I’d come up with some suggestions for what you can do to fill awkward silence:

1. Break into song

I would recommend a slave spiritual, the Full House theme song, or Sisqó’s “Thong Song” (can we take a moment to address the fact that he has an “ó” in his name? Gives me a whole new perspective on how I’ve been pronouncing it all these years.).

2. Ask the other person if they’re aware that Hillary Clinton used to be on the board of Wal-Mart

3. Tell a joke

Something along the lines of, “Why did your mom cross the road?”… “I don’t know, I was too busy doing her HEY-O.”

4. Tell them about your dream last night

“I had to keep from falling off the earth, but there was nothing to hold onto, and then my aunt died of a stress-induced stroke, but I called bullshit on that because like does stress even have the ability to induce strokes? Plus she was kind of a tool anyways, and I also kept having to evade Zorro, so I had a lot on my plate.”

5. Break into prayer

“Now seems like as good a time as ever.”

6. Talk about yourself

“I really need to shave my legs,” or, “You know, I’ve noticed lately that my inner thighs are really strong–want to feel?” or, “Actually, why should I shave them? There’s no one to shave them for.”

7. Offer to do a magic trick

And then make yourself disappear.

8. Ask their advice

“I’ve been thinking about giving my co-worker’s toddler one good, solid throat punch, because he’s the spawn of Satan. Do you think that would be appropriate?” or, “Where do you come out on the whole heroin thing?” or, “I think I’m ready to cut my own bangs. What do you think? Keep in mind, I will hold you responsible and accountable for any negative outcome.”

9. Just start bartering

“I’ll give you my hair tie if you give me your bra,” or, “Any interest in trading my fanny pack for a lock of your hair? I’ve gotten a lot of good mileage out of this thing–it’s very reliable,” or, “Cute dog. How much you looking for for it?”

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