What to do on Memorial Day if Your Parents are Visiting (Like Mine)

Your first objective is to survive. Beyond that, here are some things you can do if you’re unfortunate enough to have your parental unit imposing on visiting you this holiday.

1. Dredge up all the skeletons in the family closet.

Just air that dirty laundry like there’s no tomorrow. Who has been uninvited to whose bat mitzvah, who is the favorite child of the 2 siblings, who disapproves of whose boyfriend, who killed the family tortoise maybe accidentally 12 years ago, who was genius sociopathic enough to carve whose name into the dining room table so the latter would get in trouble, and all the other normal family things…

2. Take them to bottomless mimosas brunch

So when said skeletons are dug up, they’ll just roll right off everyone’s liquor-lubricated shoulders.

3. Take them to a movie

2 hours sans conversation. You’re welcome.

4. Refrain as much as possible from giving them details about your life.

The more you tell them about the sad state of affairs that is currently your existence, the more worried they’re going to be. And the more worried they become, the more they’re going to try to control help you. No need to tell them you had tequila shots at your company party on Thursday night and were three sheets to the wind by 6:15 PM, because then they’ll try to send you to AA. Or that you have HPV again, which you suspect is a result of not using condoms with that last mistake you dated, because then they’ll just be convinced you’re going to get cervical cancer if you don’t already have it. Or that you responded to a question your boss asked you the other day with “blow me” since you really just can’t be bothered to be even a mediocre employee, because then they’ll project their fears that you’ll never be a stable, working adult with steady health insurance on you, and you simply don’t have time for that.

5. Discuss arrangements for their deaths.

Might as well use this time together to sort out their wills, funeral arrangements, medical powers of attorney, life insurance, DNR’s, desired burial locations, etc.

6. Take them to trivia night at a dive bar

They’ll be busy actually putting in effort to answer the questions while you’re busy drinking beer and eating wings while making eyes at the sad townie who’s clearly been there since 3 PM but seems like he isn’t picky. Win-win (-win, probably, since they’ll most likely know the answers to the trivia because they’re old enough to have experienced most everything, and actually read books and watch the news and give a fuck about things other than Tinder swipes, the plethora of Jenner family plastic surgeries, or if anyone can tell if they’ve gained 3 pounds or they can get away with wearing a tank top to froyo without looking like a complete whale).

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=43763

Some of you have asked

for an update on Mike, my Starbucks barista/potential lover/BFF/soulmate for all intents and purposes.

Well I haven’t been to Starbucks much recently because I’m trying to be a responsible adult whose life motto is WWSOD? (“What Would Suze Orman Do?”), but I’m sad to report that the past few times I’ve seen him, Mike has given me pretty much nothing but no love. I don’t know what I did, but he barely acknowledges me anymore! In fact, it seems like the few other people in my life I thought I  had a good thing going with have suddenly recently also decided they’re just not that into me.

So evidently I’m doing something wrong. I just wish I could figure out what–I don’t think I’ve been acting any differently. Maybe it’s because I’ve gained more than a few love pounds–but for once, they’ve actually gone to my boobs and butt–it’s a Christmas miracle! If anything, you’d think that with the way society’s objectification of women is going, people would love that! And if that’s what Mike’s upset about, I want to be like, “YOU MADE ME THIS WAY.” Or maybe this is just the inevitable trajectory of my lovableness/general ability to make people be able to stand me–just all downward–like the Hot Mess Express taking a nosedive.

Suggested Baby Names

Here are some optimal first names for your baby, for obvious reasons.

Picasso-Rembrandt

Korn

Beyoncé II

Muffin-Top

Hostility Small-Town Violence

Mistake

Heisenberg

Michelle Obama’s Arms

Hurricane

Rhondga (“the G is silent”)

HillaryClinton (all one word)

Oedipus-Hamlet

Osama

Blood-Diamond

South East

Yellow Moss

Orange

CharlesManson

Herpès (pronounced like “Hermès” but with a P)

I-Can’t

Freud

JimJones

Any regular name, just spelled pretentiously, (i.e. with a “y”), e.g.:

Alyx

Patryck

Caytlyn

Krys

Olivya

Fayth

Raychel

Eryk

Virginya

CreedtheBand

Disappointment

Spirit Dances w/ Wolves

Hitler

That’s What She Said

Guantanamo Bae

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/suggested-baby-names/

Our COO to me, as he walks up to my office doorway:

Has he sent you a picture yet, of him eating an oyster or something?” [re: my boss, who just flew to Vancouver, and I guess oysters are big there or something?]

Me [as I shove popcorn in my face and burst out laughing]: “I would not want to see a picture of that!”

COO [as he pauses, then looks at me disapprovingly and starts walking away down the hall]: “I worry about you, Alex, I really do.”

Me [yelling after him, through popcorn-mouth]: “You’re the second person today who’s said that to me!!”

COO [from down the hall]: “You should take note.”

Inspirational Blogger Award

I’ve taken entirely too long to do my post on this, which the wonderfully talented, funny, and amazing Mindy nominated me for. Please check out her blog here–she’s the best!! And thank you, Mindy–even though I think I’m the opposite of inspirational, it means a lot to me that you nominated me for this 🙂

Here are the rules: 

  • Thank the person who nominated you and add their link to your post
  • List the award rules so your nominees will know what to do.
  • Tell 7 hidden facts about yourself.
  • Nominate other bloggers (I broke modified this one again, sorry! I hate to put a numerical limit on these, because there are always a ton of bloggers worthy of the award, but I just do a few to make everyone’s life easier, because you know how lazy I am).
  • Contact your nominees and provide a link to your post.
  • Display the award logo on your blog.

My nominees, all of whom I think are genuinely inspirational, are:

Banishing Loans–She gives GREAT advice, resources, and ideas, not just on debt-related issues, but life in general, while being relatable, funny, and honest.

A Work in Progress–She’s wonderfully bright, imaginative, creative, and honest, and gives me hope for the youth 🙂

The Confusing Middle–He manages to be funny while addressing real-life issues, and strikes me as a good, stand up guy.

Discovering Ratchet–She’s hilarious, refreshingly true, honest, real, and always a pleasure to read!

7 facts about me you most likely don’t care to know and who could blame you because I don’t even care to know these things about myself (also I hope I’m not repeating myself):

1. If I could opt to have early-onset menopause, I would.

2. I wrote my thesis on underground Hip-Hop, was the Hip-Hop Director at a non-commercial radio station, and had a Hip-Hop radio show in college. I know the fact that I’m a white girl gives that away, but just in case you had any doubts.

3. I just. don’t. care.

4. Simultaneously I care. so. much.

5. I ruin any remotely positive things that I have going for me before they have the chance to fully manifest themselves.

6. I can’t stand it when people sign emails to me with “Best,”–it strikes me as the most disingenuous sign-off ever.

7. Similarly, there’s nothing I hate more than being told “good luck”– it’s basically like saying, “See ya! Wouldn’t wanna be ya!” or, “Geez, so glad I’m not you right now.” Nothing makes me feel utterly hopeless quite like hearing it.

Thanks for indulging me!

Questions to Ask at a Job Interview

When it comes to questions job interviewees should ask their interviewers, people have it all wrong. None of this, “What day-to-day responsibilities would the position entail?” or, “What are you looking for in prospective candidates?” nonsense. There are much more pressing issues to be addressed. Such as:

1. What kinds of snacks do you keep in the office kitchen?

2. Will I have an office with a door I can shut more often than not?

3. Are leggings acceptable?

4. ^ That was rhetorical.

5. What are your feelings on nap breaks?

6. Define “sick day.”

7. On a scale of Bill Lumbergh to Michael Scott, where would my boss land?

8. Are the office supplies up for grabs (namely the tissue boxes and sticky notes)?

9. What’s the deal with maternity leave? Like, just purely hypothetically, if I got pregnant, how much time would I get off? And would I be required to carry the baby to term?

10. What’s the policy on in-office wet bars?

11. You give employees all religious holidays off, right? Like, it’s only fair. For example, I’m a scientologist and we are a legitimate religion because we bullied the IRS into giving us tax-exempt status and we consider Mondays and Fridays holy days–it would be blasphemous to work on them. You know, in the name of volcanic aliens. 

12. I’ll need sufficient time during the work day for personal tasks. Will that be a problem?

13. Is crying in a ball on the floor an accepted practice at this company?

14. Infinite coffee breaks. That’s non-negotiable. 

15. How well-received is hostility in the workplace here?

16. Will I I refuse to be referred to as a “team member”?

17. Will words like “constructive” and “productive” be used in staff meetings neither of which should ever happen?

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/17-questions-asking-job-interview/

11 Suggested Birthday Gifts

As with everything, birthday presents are about making people uncomfortable and being passive aggressive. Any birthday is a beautiful day to ruin lives, people.

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To that end, here are birthday gifts you should definitely give to the people in your life.

1. Soap 

Because nothing says, “you disgust me” quite like it.

2. Cake 

Suggested accompanying message [can be written or spoken]: “You’ve already let yourself go, so might as well shove this in your gaping mouth hole too.”

3. A doormat

Because nothing says, “I’m going to walk all over you” so succinctly.

4. Maternity clothes.

For the non-pregnant females in your life. “You know, just thinking ahead.”

5. A cookbook

Because nothing says, “you’re a terrible cook” quite like it.

6. A picture frame

You can tell them, “For that college diploma, if you ever get it,” or, “For your wedding photo, if you ever find someone to marry,” or, “For a photo of your baby if you ever find someone who loves you enough to have kids with you [not that you have to love someone to make a baby with them–please see most marriages w/ children].”

7. A massage

Because nothing says, “I don’t want to touch your sad, doughy body, so I’m gonna have to pay someone else to do it” so aptly.

8. Alcohol

This is more a gift for you than them, because lord knows you’re going to need it to be able to stand their company [feel free to tell them this].

9. Gift certificates

Because nothing says, “you look poor” better.

10. A Weight Watchers membership.

Duh.

11. Condoms

Because nothing says, “you should absolutely not procreate” quite like them.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/11-suggested-birthday-gifts/