My Top 10 Personal Nightmares

It’s hard to choose, really, but if I had to whittle the list of my own personal nightmares down to 10, here’s what it would look like.

1. Wearing a wetsuit

Like, they’re supposed to be tight on everyone, so me trying to get into one would be like the ego of Kanye’s dick trying to fit into a regular-sized condom.

2. Interacting with other humans

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just. don’t. get. how. to. do. it.

3. CrossFit

4. Seeing security footage of me in any elevator

Elevators are where I get to be my unbridled self–I shudder to think of some of the recordings of me that are out there. As we all learned from the Solange v. Jay incident of 2014, some things are better left off tape.

5. Finding out I have Celiac disease or am allergic to dairy

 

 

 

 

 

 

A world without sourdough boules or milkshakes is frankly not a world worth living in.

6. Never being called for jury duty

Am I the only one who sees the exciting opportunity here?! It’s like you’re living Serial the podcast. You get to be a bearer of justice without ever having had to go to law school AND you get off work. C’mon people! Rejoice, for this is a blessing!

7. Seeing anyone I know at the grocery store or gym

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOL: me going to the gym. But the grocery store is my time to wear no makeup and exclusively sweatpants, so please respect that and do not be there when I’m there if we’ve ever met in our entire lives. I WILL duck behind the Entenmann’s display if I see you.

8. My Google search history being leaked

I don’t want to have to explain why it makes sense that I Googled “other words for cunt” and “The Berenstain Bears” back-to-back.

9. Dairy Queen going out of business

It’s just inconceivable.

10. When on a plane, having to sit next to any of the 99% of the men who have asked me out or made a move on me in my life

They’re the worst, and what would likely happen is they’d start reading erotic poetry that they wrote out loud to me in between petting my knee across the armrest that they will have raised and telling me who I am as a person YOU DON’T KNOW ME DON’T PUT ME IN A BOX.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=49981

When someone says this to you

best birthday present ever.

9 Ways You Can Kick Your Depression

If you’re not depressed, you’re not living. And even though depression is perhaps the most human thing, it can still deprive you of the depth of your human experience. So we have to find some ways to kick that shit to the curb, or at least keep it at bay–because we have moving and shaking to do and can’t be dealing with it when there is Netflix to be WATCHED. Here are some things I’d suggest you try when you’re feeling down.

1. Watch any TLC show

I’m a firm believer in the therapeutic benefits of TLC/dwelling on others’ misery and how you’re so glad you aren’t them–literally everyone on that network is more dysfunctional or unfortunate than you. Pick a flaw, any flaw–you have a 300 lb scrotum? Yep, we have a show for that. You’re trailer trash? We’ve got that covered too. Sex sent you to the ER? We have droves of terrible actors to reenact your sexual misfortunes–and just revel in the sadness that is those peoples’ lives.

2. Stay away from all malls and chain restaurants

Being in a Yankee Candle or an Applebee’s during happy hour is only going to compound the misery that is human existence–seeing people spending their time in those locations non-ironically will only send you into a tailspin of horrifying self-awareness that not even the Cinnabon can fix.

3. Fuck with your terrible coworker

Find joy in reporting them to Homeland Security. Or telling them their haircut makes them look like they have “a touch of the Downs.” Or spritzing them in the face with a spray bottle of bleach water that you keep in a holster on your belt every time they get remotely too close to you.

4. Go to the animal shelter

There’s nothing that can’t be cured by playing with puppies. And stopping by the cat room to make sure all of them know they’re an ABSOLUTE DISGRACE to the planet.

5. DO NOT call your mother

This is not a road you want to go down, my friends. You’ll be looking for solace and then BAM–she’ll hit you smack in the face with a nice solid dose of shame-inducing self-righteousness.

6. Park yourself outside of a McDonald’s drive-thru

And just watch the people filtering through, trying to convince themselves that eating a salad from McDonald’s means everything is under control, and an Egg McMuffin is a substantive breakfast, basically of champions, and that Ronald McDonald is not in fact a child molester. Sit back, relax, and enjoy your Happy Meal while you sit back, relax, and enjoy the spectacle.

7. Watch The 700 Club

LOL.

8. Go for a walk

To the nearest place where ice cream is accessible and oh, sorry, what was that? I was too busy MAKING LOVE TO SOME COOKIES & CREAM TO NOTICE THAT MY LIFE IS AWFUL AND IN FACT I HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE DEPRESSED.

9. Channel your bad feelings towards the bitchy receptionist at your doctor’s office

You’ve always wanted to give her a piece of your mind, so why not let this be your breaking point? Tell her you’ve always thought her choice of cardigans could be best summed up by one word: outdated. And you wonder how she can work at a place that is supposed to promote health when she clearly wouldn’t be in trouble should she need to hibernate over the winter, and, furthermore, that you’ve never understood why she’s so salty over the phone, but then you realized that you would be, too, if you were A BITTER OLD HAG WHO APPARENTLY HAS NO SOUL OR ABILITY TO EMPATHIZE AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER A DIFFERENT CAREER BECAUSE AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO HAVE SOME SORT OF POSITIVE BEDSIDE MANNER-TYPE ATTITUDE, GLINDA?? I MEAN YOU’RE NAMED AFTER THE GOOD WITCH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=49975

When your friend texts you this on your birthday

that is fucking art. #shesthebest

Responses to More Liebster Award Questions!

Fitfortheroad kindly nominated me for the Liebster Award and it’s taken me too long to post about it–so sorry about that, and thank you! Please check out her wonderful blog!

Since I have previously done the Liebster post, I’ll just answer the great questions she asked in her post here 🙂

1. What’s your earliest memory?

I actually don’t remember… I feel like maybe it was playing on a rug at a family gathering of sorts when I was 1 or 2 ish? How lame is that.

2. What’s the one thing you secretly wish your current or future significant other would do, at least once – but you would never outright ask for? (example – sending flowers to your work or planning a weekend away and just “kidnapping” you for it)

Tell me everything he is thinking–literally everything–basically allow me to read his mind.

3. Pizza or Bacon?

BOTH PLEASE.

4. Would you rather be rich and single or poor and married?

Poor and single.

5. A year with no internet or a year with no TV?

Year with no TV, because you can get TV on the Internet (see what I did there??? 😉 )

6. What’s your dream job?

Professional sleeper.

7. What was the last movie that made you cry?

Interstellar

8. Have you ever had to order pizza (or some other takeout) because you burned/messed up cooking dinner?

No, I’ve just skipped the attempting to cook dinner part and gone straight for the takeout.

9. Describe your life using a movie title

He’s Just Not That Into You

10. How many tattoos do you have? How many do you want? (If you want any)

I have 6 or 7 and would like a few more I think.

Encouraging Thunder Award

Can you tell I’m on a ‘catch up on award/challenge nominations’ kick? 😉 Mon nominated me for the Encouraging Thunder Award–thank you so much and sorry for my delay!

And can we just take a minute to appreciate the title of this award? I’m going to start referring to myself as “Encouraging Thunder” whilst in conversation with people–to the Starbucks barista, bus driver, really anyone who is forced to will listen. I do feel that I have an imposing physical stature, so I think this title is fitting for me

Anyways, and I know you’re all sick of hearing me say this, I’m breaking the rules again and just going to participate in the prompt portion of the nomination, which is to say what my purpose for blogging is.

Simply put, it’s to try to find and cultivate humor.

That was super short–YOU’RE WELCOME.

When you get into your Uber

and 30 seconds in to a 20 min ride, the driver says, “Has anyone ever told you that you’re mind-blowingly beautiful?” 

#yikes #areyouthereGoditsmeAlex #priorities #theInternethistoryhasgottogo

When you pass your first smog check

Starlight Blogger Award

Another nomination I am shamefully behind on–apologies! The wonderful, amazing, witty, hilarious Mindy nominated me for this–thank you so much, and everyone PLEASE check out her blog, it’s SO FANTASTIC and such a pleasure to read!! She’s the bees knees–honestly–and she’s a definite STAR and more than worthy of this award. As are so many other bloggers, but simply in the interest of time and making things easier on everyone, I’ll opt out of nominating others and will complete the questions-portion of the nomination (I know I’m breaking the rules about breaking the rules here, so again, sorry I’m the worst!).

Questions from Mindy, along with my answers:

1. You’re on a crowded train, and you’re no longer sure whether that’s the metal armrest from the chair behind you jutting into your upper thigh or someone’s hand… but you’re sweaty, famished and you no longer care. You’re five stops from home when the train comes to a screeching halt and the power goes out. The operator says it could be a while… luckily for you, you’ve got a bag of stale pretzels, an apple and a mealy peanut butter protein bar with you, along with half a bottle of water. 1. Do you think you should have reconsidered your food choices? 2. In what order do you consume your food and do you share?

1. YES.

2. Protein bar, pretzels, apple–healthiest last to increase the chances I won’t have room for it–and NO, especially not with someone who’s sticking their unwanted boner in my upper thigh.

2. You’re taking a bubble bath because you fucking deserve it, okay? You’re sitting there with complete disregard for the fact that baths are actually kind of gross because you’re sitting in your own filth, and you smell something starting to burn. What the hell, right, because you’re pretty sure you turned the oven off. Now that you think about it, you did turn the oven off. Go you. What scented bubble bath did you use and why?

Probably actually had to use unscented bubble bath because I have extra-sensitive skin 😦 Leave it to me to make what’s supposed to be one of the sexiest things into the least sexy version of itself possible.

3. You’re standing in line at Subway. The line is kind of long, giving you time to really think about what kind of sandwich you want. You’ve decided on a footlong honey oat with turkey and American cheese but you feel like spicin’ it up. You get some avocado simply because you can. After getting a coke and chips to go with your order, you sit down in the far corner, as the lunch rush really comes into swing. Upon taking your first sip of your drink you realize they gave you Pepsi. What do you do? And how long do you think the smell of Subway will stay in your clothes?

I really can’t tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke, so I probably wouldn’t do anything except keep drinking it. And ETERNITY.

Thanks for great questions Mindy!!

The 3 Day Quote Challenge

Kindredspirit23 and Blackcat345 nominated me for this challenge–sorry for my delay and thank you both! In my rule-breaking trend and the interest of making things easy, I’m going to post 3 quotes here now instead of over 3 days. Enjoy!