It’s hard to choose, really, but if I had to whittle the list of my own personal nightmares down to 10, here’s what it would look like.
1. Wearing a wetsuit
Like, they’re supposed to be tight on everyone, so me trying to get into one would be like the ego of Kanye’s dick trying to fit into a regular-sized condom.
2. Interacting with other humans
I just. don’t. get. how. to. do. it.
4. Seeing security footage of me in any elevator
Elevators are where I get to be my unbridled self–I shudder to think of some of the recordings of me that are out there. As we all learned from the Solange v. Jay incident of 2014, some things are better left off tape.
5. Finding out I have Celiac disease or am allergic to dairy
A world without sourdough boules or milkshakes is frankly not a world worth living in.
6. Never being called for jury duty
Am I the only one who sees the exciting opportunity here?! It’s like you’re living Serial the podcast. You get to be a bearer of justice without ever having had to go to law school AND you get off work. C’mon people! Rejoice, for this is a blessing!
7. Seeing anyone I know at the grocery store or gym
LOL: me going to the gym. But the grocery store is my time to wear no makeup and exclusively sweatpants, so please respect that and do not be there when I’m there if we’ve ever met in our entire lives. I WILL duck behind the Entenmann’s display if I see you.
8. My Google search history being leaked
I don’t want to have to explain why it makes sense that I Googled “other words for cunt” and “The Berenstain Bears” back-to-back.
9. Dairy Queen going out of business
It’s just inconceivable.
10. When on a plane, having to sit next to any of the 99% of the men who have asked me out or made a move on me in my life
They’re the worst, and what would likely happen is they’d start reading erotic poetry that they wrote out loud to me in between petting my knee across the armrest that they will have raised and telling me who I am as a person YOU DON’T KNOW ME DON’T PUT ME IN A BOX.
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