PSA: Attention, smokers. Get your second-hand smoke the fuck out of my face. I’m sick of feeling like it’s socially unacceptable to ask you to stop blowing your cancerous fumes in my direction, when what’s really unacceptable is YOUR behavior. Do what you want with your life and lungs, but don’t impose it on me. If that means you have to smoke alone in your car with the windows up, too fucking bad.
Just take a minute to think about how twisted it is that, for example, when you are smoking while driving, you wave your cigarette out your window because you don’t even want your own second-hand smoke. If you don’t want it, what the fuck makes you think I or anyone else want to breathe it in? I’ve had it. I’m going to start doing the below things when someone blows their smoke in my face. And if it makes everyone hate me, great–the more I can do to repel people, the better.
1. Take the cigarette out of their mouth and stick it in their cheek, lit end first.
BE BOLD, friends. The only thing to fear is fear itself.
2. Pretend to (or actually) vomit.
Start retching as you get progressively closer to them.
3. Ask them to engage with you in a discussion about the etiquette and ethics of second-hand smoke.
Make like a Jehovah’s Witness and refuse to leave until they talk to you.
4. Spit at them.
Aim to hit the smoldering tip so as to extinguish it.
5. Start blasting “It’s a Small World” on repeat.
“Oh, I’m sorry–does it bother you when I wage a sensory assault on you?”
6. Fan the smoke out of your face
And back towards them.
7. Start reciting Allen Ginsberg’s “Howl.”
Don’t stop until they’ve stopped smoking or you’ve reached the end (and then start anew, of course). Commit.
8. Do an interpretive dance
While refusing to break eye contact.
9. Talk to your imaginary friends.
Or respond to the voices in your head. “No, Pamela! I said NO. I will NOT go to the gastroenterologist with you. You know how colonoscopes make me feel.”
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