If you haven’t caught on yet, I’m a dating
failure expert. So I’m pleased to present you with the following first date ideas that are guaranteed to get you laid and/or not.
1. Couple’s therapy
Start the relationship out strong.
2. Taylor Swift concert
You can preemptively pick out your breakup song.
3. Double date with your exes.
I mean I feel like this one’s self-explanatory right
4. Indian food
Digestively speaking, this one’s a winner.
Cause who likes talking to or getting to know the person they’re dating, right?
6. Your mom’s house
7. An orgy
Nothing like a healthy dose of jealousy to jumpstart a relationship (“Why’d you stick it in her first, huh? What’s so great about her? Frankly, I find her arm fat to be off-putting.”).
8. Volunteering with Habitat for Humanity
So you can demonstrate your complete lack of upper body strength to her.
Get out in front of your sins–confess early, save time later.
10. Scientology open house/free weekend brunch
Free food! Who doesn’t love a cheap date?
11. Cooking lesson
But make sure to say, “This is for you–if you’re gonna be with me, you have to be a woman who’s comfortable in the kitchen.”
12. Camping/obstacle course
You know what they say–the couple that can survive out in the woods together is capable of anything.
13. AA meeting
Lay all your cards on the table upfront. Just lay them out there.
14. Painting class that involves a nude model
You know what they say–the couple that can survive staring at another person’s genitalia together for hours is capable of anything.
15. Community service
Court-ordered is preferable.
16. Your PTA meeting
There’s no turn-on quite like a show of dominance and assertiveness amidst the power-struggles and bureaucracy at a meeting like this–you RUN this bitch! *Panties dropped*
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