First Date Ideas

If you haven’t caught on yet, I’m a dating failure expert. So I’m pleased to present you with the following first date ideas that are guaranteed to get you laid and/or not.

1. Couple’s therapy

Start the relationship out strong.

2. Taylor Swift concert

You can preemptively pick out your breakup song.

3. Double date with your exes.

I mean I feel like this one’s self-explanatory right

4. Indian food

Digestively speaking, this one’s a winner.

5. Movie

Cause who likes talking to or getting to know the person they’re dating, right?

6. Your mom’s house 

7. An orgy

Nothing like a healthy dose of jealousy to jumpstart a relationship (“Why’d you stick it in her first, huh? What’s so great about her? Frankly, I find her arm fat to be off-putting.”).

8. Volunteering with Habitat for Humanity

So you can demonstrate your complete lack of upper body strength to her.

9. Church

Get out in front of your sins–confess early, save time later.

10. Scientology open house/free weekend brunch

Free food! Who doesn’t love a cheap date?

11. Cooking lesson

But make sure to say, “This is for you–if you’re gonna be with me, you have to be a woman who’s comfortable in the kitchen.”

12. Camping/obstacle course

You know what they say–the couple that can survive out in the woods together is capable of anything.

13. AA meeting

Lay all your cards on the table upfront. Just lay them out there.

14. Painting class that involves a nude model

You know what they say–the couple that can survive staring at another person’s genitalia together for hours is capable of anything.

15. Community service

Court-ordered is preferable.

16. Your PTA meeting

There’s no turn-on quite like a show of dominance and assertiveness amidst the power-struggles and bureaucracy at a meeting like this–you RUN this bitch! *Panties dropped*

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4 thoughts on “First Date Ideas

  1. peckapalooza says:

    When I was in high school, I asked this girl out and she said yes. On the date, we did lots of fun things, like pick up her kid sister from the babysitter and find her mother at some restaurant (where she was on her own date) so she could get the key to her house because she had misplaced her own copy. We never made it to our own dinner, but we did hit the McDonald’s drive through for the kid sister that was tagging along in my back seat. I never spoke to her again. True story.


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