If you haven’t caught on yet, I’m a dating failure expert. So I’m pleased to present you with the following first date ideas that are guaranteed to get you laid and/or not.
1. Couple’s therapy
Start the relationship out strong.
2. Taylor Swift concert
You can preemptively pick out your breakup song.
3. Double date with your exes.
I mean I feel like this one’s self-explanatory right
4. Indian food
Digestively speaking, this one’s a winner.
5. Movie
Cause who likes talking to or getting to know the person they’re dating, right?
6. Your mom’s house
7. An orgy
Nothing like a healthy dose of jealousy to jumpstart a relationship (“Why’d you stick it in her first, huh? What’s so great about her? Frankly, I find her arm fat to be off-putting.”).
8. Volunteering with Habitat for Humanity
So you can demonstrate your complete lack of upper body strength to her.
9. Church
Get out in front of your sins–confess early, save time later.
10. Scientology open house/free weekend brunch
Free food! Who doesn’t love a cheap date?
11. Cooking lesson
But make sure to say, “This is for you–if you’re gonna be with me, you have to be a woman who’s comfortable in the kitchen.”
12. Camping/obstacle course
You know what they say–the couple that can survive out in the woods together is capable of anything.
13. AA meeting
Lay all your cards on the table upfront. Just lay them out there.
14. Painting class that involves a nude model
You know what they say–the couple that can survive staring at another person’s genitalia together for hours is capable of anything.
15. Community service
Court-ordered is preferable.
16. Your PTA meeting
There’s no turn-on quite like a show of dominance and assertiveness amidst the power-struggles and bureaucracy at a meeting like this–you RUN this bitch! *Panties dropped*
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When I was in high school, I asked this girl out and she said yes. On the date, we did lots of fun things, like pick up her kid sister from the babysitter and find her mother at some restaurant (where she was on her own date) so she could get the key to her house because she had misplaced her own copy. We never made it to our own dinner, but we did hit the McDonald’s drive through for the kid sister that was tagging along in my back seat. I never spoke to her again. True story.
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Ugh. Everyone is the worst.
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Truth.
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Amazing. I did at least 8 of these and for some reason things didn’t work out. Though movie, yes, keep the talking to a minimum!
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