Wedding gifts are more a gift for you than the newlyweds. They’re an opportunity that shouldn’t be wasted. Choose wisely–any of the below will do.
1. Gift certificate to couples therapy.
2. Two twin beds (for the inevitable separation).
4. Make a donation to a charity in lieu of a gift. (“I know you wouldn’t want me to buy you yet another material item, of which you have plenty already–or, I assumed that–because you didn’t actually say that. You just sent me a link to your Crate & Barrel registry.”)
5. The contact info for a good divorce attorney.
6. A hot nanny (just to speed up the natural ‘begin to hate each other and cope with infidelity’ process).
7. A puppy (just to speed up the natural ‘realize they aren’t capable of raising a puppy together so would make terrible parents’ process).
8. Anything that’s on their registry, just the Kmart version. (“You know I saw the Vitamix on your registry and thought, ‘this plastic 3-speed blender I found at a garage sale would do just as well!'”)
9. A His & Hers pillowcase set. First one says, “NO ONE,” second one says, “CARES.”
10. Your services as the wedding DJ/singer. And then play/sing solely Hanson songs.
11. Your services as wedding caterer. And then serve solely Bagel Bites.
12. Your services as future surrogate/egg donor. (“Because I know you guys would want nothing but the best genes and most welcoming womb for your child, and we all know what you’re working with right now isn’t great.”)
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