Things to Have in Your Purse at All Times

purse

Yeah, purses can be a pain in the ass to lug around, but they can also serve as basically secret weapons. Think of your purse as your “go bag”–everything you’d need in the event of a water landing, earthquake, or at the mention of the safe word, goes in it. So that you can pick up and run at the first sign of danger, or impending social interaction and/or exercise. Here’s what I think you should keep in your purse/murse/fanny pack at all times so you can be prepared.

1. SNACKS

How. many. times. must. I. say. it. Snacks, Snacks–a thousand times snacks. You’re gonna need a jar of peanut butter or five if you get stranded on the side of the road or invited to attend any sort of graduation ceremony. Or what if your date takes you to a restaurant that serves “small plates”? What then, huh? That’s your cue to unravel your Fruit Roll-Up and probably not stick around, unless there’s a free bread basket, in which case, empty that into your purse and then proceed to not sticking around.

2. A rape whistle

(Only if you’re attractive enough to be raped).

3. A mirror

For those times when you have a piece of lettuce stuck on your face after the ONE TIME YOU ATE A SALAD AND NO ONE TELLS YOU THANKS A LOT GUYS GUESS I KNOW WHO MY FRIENDS ARE NOT NOW.

4. Hand sanitizer 

Because if you’re not careful, you’re going to get chlamydia from the swings on the playground.

5. Tampons

The struggle is real. Those vending machines in the bathroom only exist anymore as relics from the past to taunt you.

6. Earplugs 

You never know when you’re going to end up in a particularly unfortunate conversation and need to block the other person out. Actually wait what am I saying, that’s literally every conversation ever–plug in, plug up, tune out.

7. No fucks

There are none to be given.

8. A pen

For all the instances when you need to write a strongly worded note–whether to the ER nurse who would benefit from a course in bedside manner, your power-tripping waiter, or the the hotel maid who threw away your half-eaten bedside table cookie DOESN’T SHE KNOW THE IMPORTANCE OF ACCESSIBLE NIGHTTIME SNACKING?!

9. Gauze

To clean up the blood after all of the many the times you’re going to need to bite your tongue.

10. A picture of another person’s child

Doesn’t even have to be someone you know–makes for a great conversation piece.

11. Bobby pins

For the transitional phase you and your bangs are currently in.

12. Bed Bath & Beyond coupons 

They never expire AND you can use one per item! There IS a God!!

13. A decoy wallet

Those pickpockets don’t know who they’re dealing with–we watched a LOT of Harriet the Spy growing up, ok?

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12 thoughts on “Things to Have in Your Purse at All Times

  1. bensbitterblog says:

    1. Always and forever. Though I have to stuff mine in my pockets. So of course chocolate.
    2. I am attractive enough.
    3. To again tell myself how attractive I am.
    4. Cause other people.
    5. Also work really well for bloody noses that I’m going to get from other people from all the jealousy.
    6. Or headphones. Even if they aren’t plugged into anything.
    7. Carry those in my wallet.
    8. For autographs.
    9. And for your knuckles from punching people in the face for attempting small talk.
    10. I’ll find one of my kids and pretend he isn’t mine.
    11. Or picking bank locks.
    13. No need. Mine never has money in it.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. balletandboxing says:

    My purse currently includes: an umbrella, an extra pair of nylons, a book (not to read, just to look smart and have a prop to ignore people with), extra jewelry (to go from work look to fab look) and a pair of clean socks – just because.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. kindredspirit23 says:

    No purse for me (though my sister wants to get me a murse. I have resisted. It may not be futile.)
    However, if I had one, many of the things you mentioned were excellent.
    The bobby pins, especially, because they can
    1) puncture eyes as an attack
    2) be used as lock picks
    3) small fork if needed (olives?)
    4) zipper helper
    5) splints for a finger or even a toe
    6) ear or nose ring temporary replacements (no, not for me)
    7) small projectile when launched from a rubber band (which you neglected in your mentions).

    Now, one item you stated, I would need.
    A Fuck – sometimes, I would like one…

    Like

  4. amorefado says:

    Okay I died at the rape one. Short story: My sisters and I used to walk a mile to school along side a super busy road and my younger sister once asked my mom if we could walk a different way just in case. My mom looked her dead in the eye and said “Honey…No one could lift even if they wanted to”. To those of you who don’t know my mother, which none of you do, these are the comments we grew up around so we cracked up. Anyway, fun read.

    Liked by 1 person

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