Yeah, purses can be a pain in the ass to lug around, but they can also serve as basically secret weapons. Think of your purse as your “go bag”–everything you’d need in the event of a water landing, earthquake, or at the mention of the safe word, goes in it. So that you can pick up and run at the first sign of danger, or impending social interaction and/or exercise. Here’s what I think you should keep in your purse/murse/fanny pack at all times so you can be prepared.
How. many. times. must. I. say. it. Snacks, Snacks–a thousand times snacks. You’re gonna need a jar of peanut butter or five if you get stranded on the side of the road or invited to attend any sort of graduation ceremony. Or what if your date takes you to a restaurant that serves “small plates”? What then, huh? That’s your cue to unravel your Fruit Roll-Up and probably not stick around, unless there’s a free bread basket, in which case, empty that into your purse and then proceed to not sticking around.
2. A rape whistle
(Only if you’re attractive enough to be raped).
3. A mirror
For those times when you have a piece of lettuce stuck on your face after the ONE TIME YOU ATE A SALAD AND NO ONE TELLS YOU THANKS A LOT GUYS GUESS I KNOW WHO MY FRIENDS ARE NOT NOW.
4. Hand sanitizer
Because if you’re not careful, you’re going to get chlamydia from the swings on the playground.
The struggle is real. Those vending machines in the bathroom only exist anymore as relics from the past to taunt you.
You never know when you’re going to end up in a particularly unfortunate conversation and need to block the other person out. Actually wait what am I saying, that’s literally every conversation ever–plug in, plug up, tune out.
7. No fucks
There are none to be given.
8. A pen
For all the instances when you need to write a strongly worded note–whether to the ER nurse who would benefit from a course in bedside manner, your power-tripping waiter, or the the hotel maid who threw away your half-eaten bedside table cookie DOESN’T SHE KNOW THE IMPORTANCE OF ACCESSIBLE NIGHTTIME SNACKING?!
To clean up the blood after all of the many the times you’re going to need to bite your tongue.
10. A picture of another person’s child
Doesn’t even have to be someone you know–makes for a great conversation piece.
11. Bobby pins
For the transitional phase you and your bangs are currently in.
12. Bed Bath & Beyond coupons
They never expire AND you can use one per item! There IS a God!!
13. A decoy wallet
Those pickpockets don’t know who they’re dealing with–we watched a LOT of Harriet the Spy growing up, ok?
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