Sometimes your friends turn out to be the worst and you have to cut that dead weight. Just snip snip snip–for everyone’s sake. It’s not the easiest thing to do–hell, even when things were good it wasn’t easy being their friend because we don’t understand the concept of socializing–but it must be done. And I think you have a few options for how to do it. Here they are.
1. The Irish Goodbye
This one’s the easiest. Just slowly, quietly slip away as if nothing ever happened. Maybe wear camo to make the transition easier.
2. Do it at the zoo
So that either they’ll be too enamored with the baby elephants to realize what’s happening and get upset, or so that you can throw them into the lion cage if things go south.
3. Give them a copy of He’s Just Not That Into You
Book or film–and cross out “He’s” and put “She’s” if applicable.
4. Have your mom do it
What are moms for if not doing the hard things we don’t like for us? Please see: laundry, making doctor appointments & setting up the Vitamix our boss bought us 6 months ago but we’ve been too afraid to take out of the box because it comes with not only a DVD instruction manual, but an entire BOOK dedicated to its operation instructions and frankly we just can’t.
5. Be confrontational
Just straight up tell them, “Hey, no-longer friend, you’re like orange-flavored candy–you’re disgusting and no one wants you.”
6. Take them to a public place
So they won’t be able to make a scene when you have ‘the talk.’ Or, actually they probably still will make a scene because they’re a sociopath, but at least this way your chances of being murdered by them are drastically reduced, as opposed to going over to their place (mom’s basement), sitting on the couch they use as a bed at night and which almost certainly has crusty cum stains on it, and being 100x more likely to be chopped up and shoved in the couch cushions and/or freezer.
7. Use only “I” statements
“I feel that I would like a friend who is more interested in being nice than psychotic,” or, “I would like to surround myself with people who aren’t complete pieces of shit,” or “I’ve come to realize that what I’m looking for in friendships is not to be treated like I’m sub-human.” Put the onus on you–avoid accusatory and inflammatory language, even though they most definitely deserve it, because that’ll just bring out more of their crazy, and at this point we just want to get some froyo and call it a day, not stick around for the freak show.
8. Send them a text
Make sure your “Read” receipts are turned off. We don’t need them knowing us on that level.
9. Use reverse psychology
Make them think the breakup is their idea. “I’m sure you don’t want to hang around me anymore, I mean I’m no fun–the ultimate party pooper–I go to bed at 9 PM, shop only at Talbots and sleep with a humidifier next to me for Pete’s sake.” Or, “I just want you to know that I’ve totally been picking up on the hints you’ve been dropping and completely get that you’re over our friendship, because I’m very perceptive and in tune with myself and my surroundings and I can tell I’m eliciting bad energy from you, so don’t even worry about having to say anything to me, I will just bow out gracefully.” Or, “Listen, I totally get it–you going off on me for no explicable or rational reason whatsoever is a manifestation of your growing boredom with me and our friendship–I can sense that you’re tiring of me, and despite the fact that I did absolutely nothing wrong objectively and as any sane person would attest, you’re being a bitch for no reason–and I get that.”
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