If you’re not depressed, you’re not living. And even though depression is perhaps the most human thing, it can still deprive you of the depth of your human experience. So we have to find some ways to kick that shit to the curb, or at least keep it at bay–because we have moving and shaking to do and can’t be dealing with it when there is Netflix to be WATCHED. Here are some things I’d suggest you try when you’re feeling down.
1. Watch any TLC show
I’m a firm believer in the therapeutic benefits of TLC/dwelling on others’ misery and how you’re so glad you aren’t them–literally everyone on that network is more dysfunctional or unfortunate than you. Pick a flaw, any flaw–you have a 300 lb scrotum? Yep, we have a show for that. You’re trailer trash? We’ve got that covered too. Sex sent you to the ER? We have droves of terrible actors to reenact your sexual misfortunes–and just revel in the sadness that is those peoples’ lives.
2. Stay away from all malls and chain restaurants
Being in a Yankee Candle or an Applebee’s during happy hour is only going to compound the misery that is human existence–seeing people spending their time in those locations non-ironically will only send you into a tailspin of horrifying self-awareness that not even the Cinnabon can fix.
3. Fuck with your terrible coworker
Find joy in reporting them to Homeland Security. Or telling them their haircut makes them look like they have “a touch of the Downs.” Or spritzing them in the face with a spray bottle of
bleach water that you keep in a holster on your belt every time they get remotely too close to you.
4. Go to the animal shelter
There’s nothing that can’t be cured by playing with puppies. And stopping by the cat room to make sure all of them know they’re an ABSOLUTE DISGRACE to the planet.
5. DO NOT call your mother
This is not a road you want to go down, my friends. You’ll be looking for solace and then BAM–she’ll hit you smack in the face with a nice solid dose of shame-inducing self-righteousness.
6. Park yourself outside of a McDonald’s drive-thru
And just watch the people filtering through, trying to convince themselves that eating a salad from McDonald’s means everything is under control, and an Egg McMuffin is a substantive breakfast, basically of champions, and that Ronald McDonald is not in fact a child molester. Sit back, relax, and enjoy
your Happy Meal while you sit back, relax, and enjoy the spectacle.
7. Watch The 700 Club
8. Go for a walk
To the nearest place where ice cream is accessible and oh, sorry, what was that? I was too busy MAKING LOVE TO SOME COOKIES & CREAM TO NOTICE THAT MY LIFE IS AWFUL AND IN FACT I HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE DEPRESSED.
9. Channel your bad feelings towards the bitchy receptionist at your doctor’s office
You’ve always wanted to give her a piece of your mind, so why not let this be your breaking point? Tell her you’ve always thought her choice of cardigans could be best summed up by one word: outdated. And you wonder how she can work at a place that is supposed to promote health when she clearly wouldn’t be in trouble should she need to hibernate over the winter, and, furthermore, that you’ve never understood why she’s so salty over the phone, but then you realized that you would be, too, if you were A BITTER OLD HAG WHO APPARENTLY HAS NO SOUL OR ABILITY TO EMPATHIZE AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER A DIFFERENT CAREER BECAUSE AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO HAVE SOME SORT OF POSITIVE BEDSIDE MANNER-TYPE ATTITUDE, GLINDA?? I MEAN YOU’RE NAMED AFTER THE GOOD WITCH FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
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