My Top 10 Personal Nightmares

It’s hard to choose, really, but if I had to whittle the list of my own personal nightmares down to 10, here’s what it would look like.

1. Wearing a wetsuit

Like, they’re supposed to be tight on everyone, so me trying to get into one would be like the ego of Kanye’s dick trying to fit into a regular-sized condom.

2. Interacting with other humans

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just. don’t. get. how. to. do. it.

3. CrossFit

4. Seeing security footage of me in any elevator

Elevators are where I get to be my unbridled self–I shudder to think of some of the recordings of me that are out there. As we all learned from the Solange v. Jay incident of 2014, some things are better left off tape.

5. Finding out I have Celiac disease or am allergic to dairy

 

 

 

 

 

 

A world without sourdough boules or milkshakes is frankly not a world worth living in.

6. Never being called for jury duty

Am I the only one who sees the exciting opportunity here?! It’s like you’re living Serial the podcast. You get to be a bearer of justice without ever having had to go to law school AND you get off work. C’mon people! Rejoice, for this is a blessing!

7. Seeing anyone I know at the grocery store or gym

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOL: me going to the gym. But the grocery store is my time to wear no makeup and exclusively sweatpants, so please respect that and do not be there when I’m there if we’ve ever met in our entire lives. I WILL duck behind the Entenmann’s display if I see you.

8. My Google search history being leaked

I don’t want to have to explain why it makes sense that I Googled “other words for cunt” and “The Berenstain Bears” back-to-back.

9. Dairy Queen going out of business

It’s just inconceivable.

10. When on a plane, having to sit next to any of the 99% of the men who have asked me out or made a move on me in my life

They’re the worst, and what would likely happen is they’d start reading erotic poetry that they wrote out loud to me in between petting my knee across the armrest that they will have raised and telling me who I am as a person YOU DON’T KNOW ME DON’T PUT ME IN A BOX.

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13 thoughts on “My Top 10 Personal Nightmares

  1. peckapalooza says:

    I’m with you on #7. Not at the gym, I have much better uses of my time. But I have successfully avoided many awkward conversations at the grocery store by quickly darting down the diaper aisle or by conveniently browsing over the feminine hygiene products.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Fannie Frankfurter says:

    I had jury duty once even though my criminal justice teacher told us years before that we’d be disqualified because we had more knowledge than the other potential jurors.
    It wasn’t fun because I was the only one in the room looking at the facts instead of emotion. Hours of wasted deliberation.
    Then I had to be the foreman because everyone else was too afraid to have their names read aloud with the guilty verdict.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. bensbitterblog says:

    1. That’s like trying to fit my phone into my pocket if they were those mini ones in my jeans.
    2. I don’t human interact. I even hate talking to myself.
    3. Exercise. That’s funny.
    4. I wouldn’t mind that. I’m sure I’ve flipped off a few (thousand) people that deserved it. The world should finally know how horrible they are.
    5. I’ve woken up in a cold sweat and had to have a burger to calm me after nightmares like that.
    6. Nothing is worse than having to wait in a big room with a bunch of strangers who are inclined to talk to you. I’ll have to disagree on this one.
    7. I’ll take that one step further. Seeing anyone you know, or don’t know anywhere.
    8. Uhh….just no.
    9. Especially after they just the Jurassic World Blizzard. That better not be a limited time one! Oh crap….
    10. Thankfully not a problem I’ve ever had.

    Liked by 1 person

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