Let’s be honest–none of them go well. So I’m basically Superwoman, here to save you from the nightmare that is your dating life. Here’s what you do when you’re on a date
. And, more importantly, you’re welcome.
1. If you’re at an eating establishment, which you absolutely should be and if you’re not, that’s your first red flag, order a bowl of soup and when it gets to your table, start lapping it up like a cat would its milk (do cats even drink milk? Or was Aristocats and therefore my entire childhood a lie??)
2. Tell your date that you live on a farm and before you have dinner each night you go out and slaughter the chickens, which you have named and raised as if they came from your own womb, because you like your meals to be personalized (which is why you also monogram your garnishes–parsley, cilantro, whatever–although thyme is easiest because of the nice sturdy sprig which can be easily twisted into your date’s initials). “But, like, don’t worry–I’d never eat my actual babies ahahahahahahahahaaaaa…”
3. Say any of these words, repeatedly if you have to: “placenta,” “Donald Trump’s saggy ballsack,” “Kenny G,” and/or, “a world where the only available sustenance is fruitcake.”
4. Tell them that your dream is to become a honeybee, so you’ll know you’ll die doing something heroic and courageous for your own kind (stinging a human, preferably one who’s
5. Declare that your life motto is: “the Kleenex is useless, for the hand can do the same job, only better!” (with gumption and fervor! And while you eat with your hands).
6. Tell your date that your mother and father are the founders of a cult called “Inbred4Lyfe” and that he is welcome to join it, but has to bring an immediate family member along–whichever he finds most attractive will do.
7. Proclaim that Ricki Lake is your idol and your destiny is to one day, too, have a talkshow that verges on criminally bad, which then leads to another, even worse, spinoff that only housewives-turned-meth heads watch while their kids are at soccer practice on weekday afternoons, which then also gets cancelled, which leads to you living out the rest of your days as the female brunette doppelgänger of the Pillsbury doughboy.
8. Offer, instead of ordering an appetizer, to breastfeed him (or her).
9. Suggest the following as conversation topics:
- “Remember when they found that finger in the chili at Taco Bell?”
- “Is Thackery a valid name for a human? Or does its existence, even less so than its nickname, Thack, make you want to punt a kitten off the Golden Gate Bridge too?”
- “I’ve got what I’m not sure, but I’m just going to assume, is an ingrown hair situation happening.”
- “Would you rather go down on Honey Boo Boo’s mom or have her go down on you?”
- “Are you sure your parents are your real parents?”
- “Can. we. talk. about. Cindy. McCain’s. scary. crow. face. please.”
- “What cut of human meat do you think tastes the best?”
- “I have that 5 o’clock shadow… on my bikini line.”
Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=50743