Let’s first have a moment of silence to mourn the fact that we have to be at a desk and, now that you mention it, work, too. Who invented work? I would like to send that person a strongly-worded email. But since we apparently have to go to our jobs and spend each day at a desk, we might as well have everything we could ever need at our fingertips. Because the last thing we want to do is have to get up and walk to get something–we’re already doing work, is anything ever good enough for you people?!? Here’s what you should keep at your desk at all times.
1. Some form of refrigeration
A mini fridge, cooler, ice pack–whatever you have to do. Where else are we going to store our mid-day snack beers?
2. Snarky post-it notes
People need to be reminded of their place.
For de-stressing and/or burning the place down when it all becomes too much.
5. Hand sanitizer
Because your co-workers: ew.
6. A wall full of sarcastic art
It’s best to surround yourself with bowls of candy, bags of chips, and a snow cone machine.
I find that it helps to have something to do when on phone calls, like a puzzle, desk bowling set, paper flower-making kit, bouncy ball, coloring book, Jenga–you need something to preoccupy you since you won’t be paying attention to the person on the other end.
9. Only yellow highlighters
You don’t want to be writing in black or blue ink–no, no–that makes other peoples’ lives too easy. Write solely in neon yellow highlighter. Preferably on yellow paper. Better yet, say you’ve written in invisible ink as you hand a blank paper to your boss. “But, Alex, if you’ve written in invisible ink, this memo is useless to me.” “Is it, though, Jerry? Isn’t all that matters that I’ve gotten my ideas out of my head and into the world? Isn’t that what really counts? It’s up to the universe, now, to deal with them as it sees fit. I can’t be expected to manage my genius.”
Just have an espresso machine next to your computer monitor. While you’re at it, hook yourself up to an IV of coffee and keep the pole stand next to your chair, so in the event of an emergency and you need to move, you can just wheel it along with you as you roll around (obviously your chair has wheels HOW ELSE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE MOBILE?).
11. Golf balls
So you can throw them at people when they approach you, or, god forbid, try to talk to you.
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