I mean, is there ever really anything to compliment about anyone? Obviously not. I guess some people are kind of a little bit maybe slightly easier to compliment than others, though. But when you inevitably find yourself in a situation that begs for a compliment where one is just not in any way whatsoever warranted, rational, or obvious–(meeting your boyfriend’s shitty parents? Forced by your bosses to join a meeting with potential investors that you of course don’t care about? Coerced into attending your best friend’s wedding?)–you’ll need to be able to come up with something on the fly. Thusly, under such dire circumstances (let’s be real–THIS is what a state of emergency looks like–not that AMBER Alert crap), I present to you here these tricks that you can pull out of your bag (which will preferably be a fanny pack of the swishy nylon variety full of pieces of paper on which you have written these faux-mpliments .. see what I did there ?!? OMG YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY I CRACK MYSELF UP).
1. You would be pretty cool if you weren’t such a cunt.
2. You’re really special–the walk light changes for you when you press the button.
3. I admire your ability to eat whatever you want, regardless of the consequences it has on your appearance.
4. Your cooking is just so… interesting. There’s just so much going on in this dish–just a LOT happening. It’s like just so multi-dimensional–you know, like Amanda Bynes!
5. Your haircut is so neat! You can tell that your hairs were just really neatly cut.
6. As a donut-lover, I have to say that your body is doughy like a donut.
7. Oh you know who you totally remind me of?! Monica Lewinsky! Everything from your robust physical stature to your decision-making skills.
8. I salute you for not having gone to jail yet–considering everything about you, it’s really a miracle.
9. Congratulations on surviving another year–you exist.
10. Your OBGYN hasn’t run away screaming at the sight of you in stirrups–that’s great!
11. I admire your ability to wear beige. It’s just such a standard color–only probably like infinity other colors are harder to pull off.
12. You ability to interrupt is, like, super-human.
13. You have 20/20 vision–what an accomplishment!
14. The McDonald’s drive-thru employees recognize you–hooray!
15. You got accepted to The University of Phoenix–just… Wow…
16. You have successfully completed your colonoscopy.
17. Your mustache is no match for my 13-yr old male cousin’s, ma’am.
18. You’ve managed to make me–about as ‘skeptical atheist’ as they come–wish I believed in God so that I would have hope that divine retribution is a real possibility. Now that is a feat.
19. Your presence is like airport security–overdone and a pain in the ass but apparently necessary. And there’s something to be said for being necessary!
20. Your wedding dress… holy motherfucking COW! I’m just… speechless!
21. I’m so impressed by the fact that you’ve only gotten two DUIs in 22 years of living–‘commendable‘ is the word that comes to mind, really.
22. You would totally make a great contestant for The Biggest Loser!
23. I feel like I’ve learned so much from you about exactly who I don’t want to be–and for that, I thank you.
24. Your choice of nail color is pleasing to the eye.
25. You know, I thought I was the most socially retarded person I know, but you’ve taken the title! You’re such a winner!
26. I don’t completely hate everything about you–you have fine ankles.
27. You look like you would survive being stranded on a remote mountain in the dead middle of winter really successfully.
28. Words can’t describe how I feel about you.
29. I like the way you enter a room completely unnoticeably, with absolutely nothing unique or special about you to draw any attention.
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