The Perks of Being Single

Let me count the ways… I don’t think it needs stating, but in case there were any questions, here are some perks of being single.

1. The only thing you’ll get lock jaw from is chewing too many gumballs.

2. Your natural inclination to give up on your appearance can go unfettered.

3. You won’t have to wake up earlier than your bedfellow, somehow ninja out of bed without waking them, shimmy into more flattering apparel, and spend 30 minutes in the bathroom making yourself look not horrifying, before climbing back into bed–again, tactfully so as not to wake them, which is not great for us because tact is not our strong suit–and positioning yourself so you appear to have just woken up like that.

4. Minimal physical contact with other people.

5. Also minimal contact, period, with other people.

6. You can choose to spoon your dog, only, without offending anyone.

7. You don’t have to talk about “feelings.”

8. There’s no one to judge your Netflix queue (“yes I watch Scrotal Recall YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE.”)

9. You don’t have to spend 5 hours debating the ethics of strip clubs into the wee hours of the morning, only to not come to any mutual understanding, fall asleep, and resume the argument immediately upon waking.

10. You get to play whatever music you want in the car. #FTW

11. You don’t have to pretend to not vehemently despise your significant other’s mom.

12. You don’t have to share your valuable priceless precious fridge space with anyone.

13. You don’t have to be forced to sleep on the wall-side of the bed because it’s the male’s “duty” to protect you as your first line of defense should an intruder enter the bedroom even though you’re pretty sure you could take out an attacker with more efficiency because you’re fairly certain you and your boyfriend weigh the same because you looked at his driver’s license except you’re 5 inches shorter than him.

14. You won’t have to pretend to care that your outlook on infidelity is offensive to your partner or somehow doesn’t sit well with them even though it’s the 100% ABSOLUTELY CORRECT OUTLOOK HANDS DOWN NO DOUBT ABOUT IT.

15. No time is wasted on your S.O.’s P.O.S. friends.

16. You won’t awaken in the night to the horror of having someone’s sweaty body plastered to yours which you’re sure is a nightmare but nope there’s no escaping the prison-like reality you’re trapped in.

17. You won’t be forced to defend your admiration for Taylor Swift.

18. You won’t be forced to suppress everything in you in order not to kill his/her cat.

19. You won’t have to sit there while your boyfriend goes on a tirade about how he’s “allowed to look at other girls as long as he doesn’t touch.”

20. You won’t have to go along with mediocre sex and then hide in the bathroom afterwards while you finish yourself off in 1/8 the time it took them to accomplish absolutely nothing for you.

21. Dramatically lowered chance of UTI’s, which is EVERYTHING.

22. There’s no one around to judge you when you stuff your face with froyo and Cheez-Its when you get home at 3 AM after making questionable decisions at your company holiday party.

23. You won’t have to bite your tongue when your boyfriend shows up wearing a scarf that’s, frankly, a little too gay.

24. You get to keep your scary, unattractive nighttime routine to yourself–it takes a LOT to make you look barely passably presentable during business hours–with all the creams and scrubs and pills, it’s like Breaking Bad up in your bathroom every night.

25. What was that? The sound of NO ONE asking to try your food.

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