We’re broke, tired, and hungry, so we need to save money where we can. So that we can spend it on food. And quit working so that we can nap all day. Here are some penny pinching tips that I’ve found to be quite effective.
1. Steal office supplies
When you add up all the things you can discretely take home for personal use in small amounts at a time so as not to raise suspicion, like sticky notes, stamps, pens, bottled water, and snacks, the savings turn out to be quite significant. Coincidentally, this is also a way to get back at your horrendous upper management. Think of yourself as the working man’s Robin Hood.
2. Get creative with your food
All I’m saying is that ketchup mixed with hot water makes a nice tomato soup, and if you eat enough of them, those shitty lollipops they give out at banks can suffice as a meal, and those little coffee creamers that somehow can go unrefrigerated for DECADES are a perfectly adequate substitute for milk in your cereal, and if you separate the seasoning from the noodles in the Ramen packet, you can have the broth for lunch, and the noodles separately for dinner (just take a small baggie into a Denny’s, fill it with salt from a shaker at one of the tables, and then throw that on your noodles to spice things up a bit).
3. Take a poor man’s shower
I.e. douse a wash cloth with rubbing alcohol and scrub away. Priority target areas are armpits and feet. This way, you save on utilities and probably also end up repelling a lot of people, which is ALWAYS the goal.
4. Do everything by candlelight
Again, saving on utilities, and also making for a 24/7 romantic atmosphere, which we know is lacking in our lives.
5. Don’t join a gym
This is needless to say for so many reasons, but why waste money on a gym membership when NATURE is your gym?! The sidewalk is just as bad for your knees as the treadmill, and you can offend just as many people with your shitty body out in public as you can inside of a gym, so cut that cost.
6. Get a roommate
Yes, they’re awful, but they also drive the cost of rent down.
7. Stop going out for coffee
Resign yourself to instant coffee–yes, it tastes like poison, but it also costs 1/30 as much and is super easy to make–literally, just add water.
8. Bring a flask when you go out
Strap it to your body, stick it down your pants, in your bra–whatever you have to do to conceal it, and sneak
gulps sips of it in the bathroom in between tearing up the dance floor and failing at interaction with the opposite sex. You’ll save SO much money on alcohol, but still get the same sad, pathetic, irresponsibly drunken result.
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