As Featured on News Cult: My Bucket List

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Let’s face it: we’re dying. Moment by moment. We’re on a slow, painful march towards death. But none of us live like that. We live like our best days are ahead–it’s only going to get better–we have infinite time to accomplish our goals and live our dreams. We’re immortal.

WAKE UP PEOPLE. You could literally die in one second. What if you find out you have terminal cancer? Would you be satisfied with how you’ve lived? Have you done everything you’ve wanted? NO YOU HAVE NOT. So get your shit together, and make a bucket list. And then make a point of ACTUALLY crossing things off it– “making/checking off a bucket list” should not be on your bucket list.

Mine is below if you need inspiration. Some of these things I’ve accomplished already, some I still have to go. I’ll leave it up to your imagination to guess which is which. Here’s what I hope to do before I die. And if I die before I do, the burden is on all of you to finish it for me. NO PRESSURE DON’T FUCK IT UP IDIOTS.

1. Invite a Jehovah’s Witness in when they knock on my door and engage in a thoughtful debate with them about the existence of God and the merits of Christianity.

2. Eat deep fried ice cream.

I just don’t understand HOW they fry it without melting it??!










3. Date a guy who’s not a complete loser. #it’sasurprisinglydifficultfeat

4. Skydive.

*This should probably be last on my list in case it kills me. #thinkingahead









5. Tell that one cashier at Best Buy what I really think of her–that she’s a soulless, bitter killjoy and every time she utters a word a MILLION angels die.

6. Impeach The Patriarchy

7. Travel any- and everywhere.

8. Understand “The Cloud”

9. Never accumulate excessive wealth.

10. Win a game of The Settlers of Catan against my dbag cousin who thinks he’s omniscient but is really just a scourge upon humanity.

11. Have clear skin.

12. Write a book.

13. Recite Allen Ginsberg’s “Howl” in its entirety at someone’s funeral.


The End. It’s short but to the point.

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28 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: My Bucket List

  1. BeginnerBeaute says:

    1. Fried ice cream is seriously amazing, it’s one of my favorite things to eat actually! 2. Skydiving was the shit I had so much fun I would totally go again 3. You totally need to come To NY to do the 2 things above LOL!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. bensbitterblog says:

    My bucket list would start out with reinventing another name for the bucket list. It’s just such a dumb name. Just saying. I agree with the skydiving, and the writing of the book and the clear skin. But most of all of all the things on my list, it’s definitely telling that one cashier at Best Buy that is she is the scourge of humanity and she needs to stop, Just stop.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. peckapalooza says:

    A few years back I posted my own bucket list with roughly 100 items on it. Some are totally doable, like try on a suit of armor or write a novel. Some are totally ridiculous, like travel to Canada or successfully sing Barenaked Ladies’ One Week on tempo without screwing up the lyrics. I should repost that on my current blog…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ali says:

    Numbers 12 & 7 all the way!!! YES YES YES” Oh and definitely numbers 3 & 4! Ummm… it’s sad that number 3 should even be put on a bucket list. But I would have it on mine! Where are all the nice ones?!! COME ON! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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