As Featured on News Cult: Red Flags in a Relationship

If there’s one person who can tell you which red flags to look out for in a relationship, it’s me–I’ve seen them all. Granted, sometimes they’ve been flapping right in my face, large and in charge, and I’ve completely missed them only to realize 3 months after the fact that they were, in fact, red flags–but I’ve seen them nonetheless.

So learn from my mistakes–bypass the red flag-filled trenches and rise above, like a phoenix from the ASHES honey, to the heights of relationship glory–AKA the point at which his mom cooks you her tuna casserole every time you see her because you pretended to like it that one time to be nice but didn’t realize the life sentence you were condemning yourself to but HEY it’s worth it right because now you’re in with the matriarch.

They’re friends with your ex

You are the company you keep. Just sayin’–psychos get along with psychos.

They don’t want to use a condom

What’s next? A blood oath? NOPE.

They don’t like to eat

You don’t enjoy food? Ummmmm, who ARE you even?!?!

They won’t go down on you

Amy Poehler said it best: “If you don’t eat pussy, keep walking.”

They make you feel bad about yourself

You’re an Amazonian PRINCESS–you sparkle you SHINE. They shoulda worn sunglasses because your light is BLINDING

They don’t like your dog

They offer to make you dinner and then try to serve you kale

They don’t get your sense of humor and call it “campy”

You’re HILARIOUS–I really don’t get what’s so hard to understand

They’re flaky

If they can’t be bothered to text you back, you can’t be bothered to fuck with them.

They tan

Like seriously get over yourself

Their birthday present to you is a pot cookie

Motherfucker I’ve TOLD you that shit makes me paranoid, stop trying to act like you’re some spiritual guru trying to give me a mind-altering, transcendent experience! All that’s gonna happen is I’m going to start weeping while insisting that you promise to pass on my will, which I’ll write on a napkin and will say, “Pls don’t read any of my journals, or emails to my therapist, or Google searches. Otherwise–…actually all of it is probably NSFACEAA (not safe for any circumstances ever at all),” to my parents because I’ll be pretty sure I’m dying (but like when you deliver the news to them leave out the fact that minutes before my death we were banging doggy style).

They don’t have an appreciation for reenacting scenes from Boy Meets World

Um did they not have a childhood?

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16 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: Red Flags in a Relationship

  1. Mindy says:

    HAHAHAHAHA I have finished reading the post, and I still can’t stop laughing. This was wonderful, as always. People who don’t like to eat can get the fuck out. I will not be shamed out of eating. I went to the gym once so I deserve these seven cookies.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. balletandboxing says:

    I don’t understand.

    Ppl actually tan? Like people you’ve DATED? HOW?! (remember, I am from Canada. There is no point fighting the pasty skin here.)

    Also pot cookies? EVEN if you liked those things… what kind of a junior high present is that!? GTFO.

    Liked by 1 person

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