As Featured on News Cult: The Perks of Getting Older

Most people seem to fear growing older, and our society certainly encourages us to feel like natural aging is a terrible thing. But, personally, I think getting older is fantastic. First of all, it brings us closer to death–eternal sleep–which frankly sounds euphoric. Secondly, it comes with a lot of other perks that we can enjoy in this lifetime. Here are some of the best ones that will make you realize your youth is a wash and the best is yet to come.

 

Giving progressively fewer fucks

Since this is the primary win that accompanies getting older and it’s a broad one, I’m going to break it down. With each passing day, I find myself caring less and less about SO many things:

1. Most importantly, what people think of me.

You don’t like me? Sorry what was that I was too busy jacking off to care. You think I’m not funny? Couldn’t hear you over the sound of my own laughter because I crack myself the fuck up. I don’t fit your beauty standards? Great, more donuts for me. I’m not docile and delicately feminine enough for you? Hmm that’s funny because I think a little something called WOMEN’S RIGHTS would disagree. You want to be a dick to me? Sticks and stones, motherfucker—sticks. and. stones.

2. If something goes wrong.

Murphy’s Law is real guys. Embrace that like it’s your body pillow. No one showed up to your birthday party? It’s cause they couldn’t HANDLE your brilliance. Your boyfriend broke up with you on your birthday? Great—now you can hook up with your hot co-worker without feeling bad about it. Your flight got cancelled? Whatevs—at least you don’t have to sit next to someone gross in a germ box for 4 hours and navigate the passive aggressive politics of the flight attendants anymore. You have HPV? Congratulations—so does ¾ of the adult population—you’re really not that special.

3. Work stressors.

You gave that client the complete wrong information in that email that your boss was copied on? Eh, life goes on. You told the chairman to fuck himself and you hope he gets syphilis? Hey, to be fair, he deserved it. You missed that super important deadline? Deadlines are for the weak. A job is just that—it’s not the end all be all of your existence. You can always leave yours and get another if you have to—treat it like every man you’ve ever slept with has treated you—it’s disposable.

4. My nonexistent love life.

The more failed relationships with psychopaths I accrue, and the longer I’m alone, the more I realize there are wonderful things about being single. Like I’ll be able to bypass so many amusement park lines because I’ll be a single rider! And since selfies are socially acceptable and prevalent, people won’t judge me for taking them since I’ll have no one else to take my photo when traveling. And I’ll be an exceptional friend/family member–need a ride to the ER in the middle of the night? Sure, I can take you—no one else needs me. Need a last minute babysitter on any given Friday night? Just give me an hour ten minutes to haul myself out of the bath and stop crying and I’ll be right over!

5. Sticking out.

Most people are afraid to be noticed, or embarrassed, or make waves. But as you age, you realize that you could be a whale in a kiddie pool and ultimately it wouldn’t matter. You stop caring if you make a scene when telling someone who cut you in line to go back from whence they came—you care more about principles than fitting in. You stop worrying that people will judge you if you tattoo your face—so what if they look at you like you’re a freak? Don’t get us started on their faces—honestly they’re just offensive. You don’t worry so much what you look like in a bikini anymore—your attitude regarding cellulite becomes, “let it shimmer, let it shine.” And you say what’s on your mind—time to bulldoze those eggshells and tell your sister-in-law that you added her picture to the Wikipedia entry for “cunt,” or the dipshit who just knowingly littered in front of you that if he doesn’t pick up his trash, you’re going to follow him home and tell his mother what he did, and if she doesn’t care, you’re going to watch him while he sleeps. I’m telling you, getting old is liberating—like free the slaves liberating.

Perspective

Related to not GAF anymore, perspective is gained in spades as you get older. You realize that you are, in fact, mortal, and you don’t have forever to be miserable, so you better buck the fuck up and start living your life in a way that’s actually enjoyable to you. You sweat the small stuff less and less, and start pouring your energy into shit that actually matters to you—whether it’s that puzzle you’ve been jonesing to conquer, or the backpacking trip you’ve dreamed of taking ever since watching 127 Hours, or med school because you’re a hypochondriac and you need to be able to diagnose yourself at all times—YOU DO YOU—you. do. you (mostly because we don’t know how much longer you’re going to have to do it).

Food

Because your body and health are already decaying, you get more of a free pass when it comes to food. Unless you’re trying to prolong your life those extra three years, which why would you because honestly it’s not worth it to live to 97 if I have to eat kale to get there. When all those heavily fake-tanned 20-yr old college girls are bemoaning the caloric value of ice cream, you get to down a pint as you laugh/spit in their faces. LIVE A LITTLE—you’re not trying to impress anyone with your figure anymore, and you’re on the track to death anyways, so indulge. Treat yourself. Not to be the party pooper and mention again that you could die at any moment, but you could, and the older you get, the higher your chances of death, so do you really want to miss out on the pizza while you have the chance?

Retirement

Need I say more? The cessation of work is EVERYTHING. We LIVE to not work. Heads up though, social security most likely won’t be around in another 50 years, so marry rich, everyone!

Preferential treatment

You have ENTIRE seating sections on public transportation reserved for you! You get to keep your shoes on in the airport security line! You get to use those little motorized scooters in the grocery store! You get to get in the lifeboat first! You get discounted movie tickets! AND MEALS—CHEAP FOOD. I repeat: CHEAP. FOOD. Like, what about all of this is not to love?!

NO MORE ACNE

Menopause

For the ladies—I know most people are gonna think I’m crazy for this one, but no more periods? Are you kidding me?! Sign me up! I’d like it now please! Can we speed up this process? I could finally invest in nice underwear! Hahah jk I’m never not going to wear the biggest cotton drawers a few dollars can buy–but still, it would be nice for it to not often look like a Quentin Tarantino film in my pants.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/perks-getting-older/

10 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: The Perks of Getting Older

  1. bensbitterblog says:

    I did a post similar to this about retiring early and how much greater it will be to do so now. I can’t to get old and taunt the young people for having to go to work every day, while I won’t have to get up from my bed if I don’t want to. I’m going to be really good at retirement.

    Liked by 1 person

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