If you’re like me, you have to deal with approximately one billion rude people every day. Rude people are like exercise–absolutely intolerable. Under no circumstance are they ok. But, they’re also like exercise in that they’re an inevitable part of life…. Nope. Can’t even buy that myself. But you get what I’m saying–they’re here, and we’re not happy about it, but we need to deal with them. Here’s what I do when I encounter or am forced to interact with someone rude.
Raise the pitch of your voice
Take it up a few notches–really turn on the “I’m so happy I could just die” tone of voice. It’ll drive them nuts. But they won’t be able to accuse you of anything–what are they gonna say, your tone of voice is too polite? HAHA, SUCKERS.
Ask them if they talk to their mother that way
Cover your ears and close your eyes
And when they flip out at you for doing so, just say, “I’m going to my happy place, which is wherever you’re not. Literally anywhere you are not. It could be barefoot in a dark alley full of AIDS-tinted syringes, and it would be perfect as long as you weren’t there.“
Plaster on a smile
This, combined with the high voice, is the literal interpretation of ‘kill them with kindness’ (#hopefully #fingerscrossed #prayingforyou)
Start talking over them
And when they interrupt you, say, “Oh sorry, were you talking? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of bullshit coming out of your mouth. Just gushing out. An impressive amount, really.”
Tell them their attitude “isn’t working for you”
Just say it on repeat, in the most level-headed, calm manner possible. Then sit back, relax, and enjoy the entertainment.
Spray them in the face
This is why you need to carry a spray bottle of water around in a holster on your belt at all times. Have I taught you nothing? Every time they utter a rude word–SPRAY. Sassy cashier? SPRAY. Unhelpful nurse (is there any other kind?)? SPRAY. “Sir, the fasten seat belt sign is ON, please return to your—[SPRAY]—Did you just spray—[SPRAY]—I’m going to have to ask you to—[SPRAY].” You can change up the settings depending on their behavior, too–slight offenses deserve a spritz, but as soon as they start accusing you of not following the protocol when you KNOW you followed the protocol, don’t tell us what the protocol is we are very well aware of it and ALWAYS follow it so think twice before you question our intelligence and integrity–put that fucker on STREAM.
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