As Featured on News Cult: Suggested Baby Gifts

People insist on having babies, and according to social etiquette, you have to get them presents for their newborns even though why should you, it’s really not that hard to have a kid so why are they being rewarded for it, like maybe if they had just performed an 8-hour open heart surgery they would deserve a gift, but procreation is literally nothing extraordinary so I don’t get why we have to pretend like they’re doing anything special. BUT,  we do, if only because we don’t want to make family gatherings more awkward than they already are because we didn’t get cousin Rosie a swaddling basket–anything in the name of getting everyone to leave us alone. With that in mind, here are some ideas for what to get new parents.

Pumping bras

Medela Easy Expression Halter Hands Free Pumping Bra Breast Feeding Nursing

So practical! You can wear it as you’re jogging on the treadmill while talking on your Blackberry.

Just to make things uncomfortably intimate. For a bonus, insist she tries it on immediately after you give it to her, while you’re still standing there.

Stuffed animals

With a note: “For when you realize that you’re ultimately alone in this life and no one will ever truly love you.

This book

I’d even say take some creative liberties with the title–e.g. “All my your friends are going to be dead soon enough, just like the rest of us. And you.


To shut your kid the fuck up.

And this book if they have another kid


Accompanying card: “For all the lonely nights that are sure to be ahead–like 100% you’re going to be alone–the only warmth you’ll ever really know is that of your own body heat. And if you get stranded in winter, that’s not going to be enough to keep you from freezing to death. And neither will these blankets probably, tbh.”

Family grave plot

Just thinking ahead! And, actually, it was buy 3, get one free, so you might as well have another one while you’re at it.”

A DVD of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

Happy nanny-hunting!”

This card:

Featured on News Cult:

11 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: Suggested Baby Gifts

  1. peckapalooza says:

    I like to think of Creed, from The Office, dangling a bunch of paper clips in front of a baby… “Don’t do that, he could swallow them,” says the mom.
    “That’s okay, I have a whole bunch of them,” Creed responds.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. bensbitterblog says:

    I never understood the thinking behind getting kids gifts until they are like three. We got both our kids gifts when they were 1 and I was like, what is the point? They are going to shove whatever is in the periphrial area into their mouth or up their nose or in their eye. They have no comprehension of what they are getting. There is no point whatsoever. I just….can’t

    Liked by 1 person

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