As Featured on News Cult: An Open Letter to Skinny Jeans

Dear Skinny Jeans,

You are one fickle, sneaky, stubborn opponent. You rival the scariest of ghosts; you haunt our every waking and dreaming (but really nightmaring thanks to you) moment. One minute you’re simpatico, the next you’re about as easy to get into as one of the Duggar girls. Which actually may be easier than they make it seem on TV. Because their outlook on sex is just really unrealistic. And if the oldest brother is any indication, those motherfuckers’ bodies are ready.

Why must you exist. I have a bone to pick with the person responsible for your conception. Because the thing is, we like stretchy clothes. And we eat. So we don’t love trying to squeeze into skinny jeans. Like why can’t we all just wear leggings and/or sweatpants and call it a day? Does anyone actually enjoy having their thighs constricted by denim? Like, do you like it when the bitchy Latina nurse ties the chafe-y elastic band around your arm and pulls tight like she’s playing tug of war and the prize is job appreciation? Didn’t think so. Our butt and thighs and love handles are not sausages in need of casing. They are sausages in need of freedom; (really–I’m pretty sure they have the same fat content and general appearance as a pork link).

The only reason people like you is because they consider you to be flattering–slimming. And they think that skinny is better, so it’s better to be able to fit into skinny jeans than to not. You’re like a key to a secret club–a club made of desirable, attractive, slender people. As long as someone can pull you off, they’re welcome. But as soon as they plump up, muffin top out, their membership is revoked. But the thing is, beauty is subjective, doesn’t last forever (at least outwardly), and doesn’t define a person. So, really, you are baseless. You have no leg to stand on. Or, you have no leg to… clothe? Whatever–the point is, you’re just another fad, another bandwagon trend, another capricious hobby of the vapid masses, and soon enough you’ll Heath Ledger–burn out and fade away, baby.

And, in the meantime, please stop taunting us. Because as long as you’re around, we’re going to try but fail to get into you. We might as well be rapists. And we’re going to pretend like having you around is a good system of checks & balances for us, a la the three branches of the U.S. government, so we never get to the point where we can’t fit in you, when really, you’re just the rain on everyone’s parade and we don’t want you anyway and you can’t sit with us and it’s our party and we’ll cry if we want to. So kindly leave. Make like a black kid’s father and split.

With hatred,

Our big hips

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=66338

As Featured on News Cult: 7 Cons of Wearing Glasses

We’ve been over the pros of wearing glasses. Now let’s touch on the cons/our area of specialty: negativity.

1. People take them as an invitational conversation piece

Like. WE DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. EVER. WHY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THIS. TAKE YOUR LACK OF GAME SOMEWHERE ELSE PLS K FUCK OFF BUH. BYE.

2. Having to clean them

Lord. It’s such an event. You have to carry around your little spray bottle of solution which has to be anti-reflective coating-friendly of course, and you literally have to spritz and wipe them every 5 minutes because there’s always a smudge, or a fingerprint, or dust, or makeup, or, more likely in our case, crumbs.

3. Having to switch when sunglasses are needed

Take the glasses out of the case, put them on, step outside and see it’s blazing sun, put the glasses back in the case, take out the sunglasses, put them on, walk 50 feet to the coffee shop, step inside, take the sunglasses off, put them back in the other case… Annnnnnnnnnnnd repeat.

4. Rain

Don’t get us started. We really need little windshield wipers on our glasses lenses. Like those Volvo station wagons have on their front lights. Man, those were always so cool growing up. I mean now I recognize their futility, but back then–back then they were THE BOMB.

5. They’re fragile

Cases upon cases upon cases. And if you’re like me/have any sense at all and wear big frames, your cases have to be big, and big bulky cases take up so much space, which means you need a big bag, and pretty soon before you know it you’ve turned into your hoarder mother with the Russian Nesting Doll of purses.

6. Kissing

I mean, kissing is hard enough for us to get through as is with all its saliva-swapping and germs and tongue–SO MUCH TONGUE–that we don’t need the added hassle of bumper-frames. Not to mention the oil residue from skin smashing up against your lenses. THE OIL. Which just necessitates more cleaning. Pls see 2 ^^

7. Your eyesight just gets worse

And you have to consistently renew your prescription, which requires going to the doctor, which we hate because we hate doctors because they’re pompous insensitive assholes whose only job is literally to care for people but whose bedside manner couldn’t be worse and frankly Hitler knew how to be more compassionate.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=66094

As Featured on News Cult: 7 Pros of Wearing Glasses

There are some perks to being bespectacled. Here they are:

1. Comparisons to Harry Potter

If there’s one person you want to resemble, it’s HP. A true hero. 

2. Improved eyesight 

Contrary to popular belief, glasses are not merely a fashion statement or a desperate gesture of hipster-ness. They actually serve a practical purpose. I know that’s like unheard of anymore, but we aren’t all a bunch of douchebag narcissistic entitled self-serving POS fanny pack-with-nothing-in-it-wearing Millennials.  

3. They’re a shield

Anything to create a barrier between us and other people.

4. The alternative is contacts

Having to insert scratchy pieces of glass directly into your eye? Um would you give yourself a vaccination? Or a pap smear? Or a colonoscopy? I don’t think so get out of here stop wasting my time.

5. People think you’re smarter

It’s not our fault they’re dumb enough to assume that only smart people wear glasses.

6. They make a great excuse

You can say you lost them when you don’t really want to look at something someone insists on showing you, or you can say you forgot them when someone suggests a carpool and then asks you to drive (of COURSE they’d do that, these are the same motherfuckers who order 3 entrees and then say “let’s just split the bill in half” we’re on to you you cheap self-centered wastes of space), or tell the teacher you can’t take the test because you left your glasses at home when really you just need an extension because you didn’t study because why would you there was an Oprah re-run marathon on obviously that takes priority, or when your doctor tells you you need to exercise, say you can’t because when you sweat it causes your glasses to fog up and then you can’t see and then you’re at risk for running into traffic or falling on the treadmill or missing a step on the stairs and then you’d be severely hurt if not dead and is that what they want for you? For you to die?? Geez they’re a horrible doctor what the fuck happened to the Hippocratic Oath umm can someone say MALPRACTICE?

7. They hide your tears

You literally cry all the time, so in order to be a functioning person in society, you need to be able to go about your daily activities while your tears are streaming, and in order to do that, you have to be able to disguise them because if you don’t people will constantly interrupt you asking what’s wrong are you ok and your ugly cryface will get in the way of your already-limited ability to interact with other humans. MULT👏I👏TASK👏people.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=66240

The Premio Dardos Award

In part two of my awards catch-up sesh today comes The Premio Dardos Award which Aaron at The Confusing Middle was nice enough to nominate me for–this one also took me too long to post, sorry Aaron! But I’m honored–thank you!! And please check out his blog–he’s the best–funny, genuine, smart, and kind.

Again, I’m shirking the rules, but wanted to give Aaron a shout out and lots of gratitude. 🙂

Beautiful Blogger Award

Jillian over at How To Be Myself kindly nominated me for the Beautiful Blogger Award, and I’ve taken a shamefully long time to do my post–sorry Jillian! Please go check out her wonderful blog. She writes such relatable, fun, and inspiring posts! And has the cutest dog!

I’m going to break all the rules and end the post here, but just wanted to thank and recognize her. ❤

When the security guard in your office building tells you that you need to go to the gym

and take the stairs instead of the elevator… And then gives you his number.

I’m getting mixed messages..

 

Guys A Walk to Remember is on TV

Byeeeeeeeeee. #seeyouwhenIseeyou

#swoon

As Featured on News Cult: The Worst Things About Being a Kid

As much as being an adult is miserable, so can being a kid. Here are the worst things about being underage [insert statutory rape joke here].

Not being able to drink

Like, how did we live before we were 15 21?

Not having money

Unless you’re a dick and are one of those kids whose parents pay for everything and anything you want, your funds are limited. Having to get every purchase approved is, like, really stressful.

Not being able to drive

And get yourself the fuck out of every social situation you unwillingly find yourself in ever.

Having to live with your parents

Sorry, mom and dad, but it’s just not great.

School

Like, homework though, am I right?

Play groups

We have no interest in socializing, period, let alone forced socializing with a bunch of grubby little assholes who don’t wash their hands, eat paint, and have bad bowl cuts.

Family holidays

Again, forced socializing with no out, unless you’re going to pay for your own babysitter, in which case I refer you to point #2 above: WHERE YOU GONNA GET THE MONEY, SON??

No coffee

I mean, they say it stunts your growth or whatever, and while we have no problem losing a few inches if it means we get our caffeine fix, our pediatricians differ from us on that. Which leads me to..

Going to the pediatrician

They get all up in your SHIT–weighing you, measuring your height all the damn time, sticking needles in your arms. Like I thought we weren’t supposed to do that–heroin is on the “never do this” list, right? I’m getting mixed messages here, DOCTOR.

Standardized Testing

Seriously, whoever came up with these needs to get a real job. And a life. And just a productive, intelligent, rational thought in their brain. Just one–we know what we’re dealing with here, we know our limits, so we won’t ask for more than that. But one smart thing coming to their mind would just like be amazing. /If they just dropped dead that would work too.

Being confused

All the time. What are these emotions I’m experiencing? WTF is my body doing? How am I supposed to behave, think, act, feel, be? I UNDERSTAND NOTHING. *Please note: this does not get easier with age.

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=65818

As Featured on News Cult: The Worst Things About Being an Adult

Let’s face it: being an adult sucks ass. There’s just no way around that  horrifyingly real truth. Here are the worst things about adulthood.

TAXES

Like omg can we JUST. TALK. ABOUT IT.

Laundry

Children: CHERISH THE DAYS WHEN YOUR PARENTS DO YOUR LAUNDRY FOR YOU. YOU’LL NEVER KNOW A HELL QUITE LIKE WASHING SHEETS.

Work

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh

Health insurance

Say goodbye to the WEEKS of your life you’ll lose to battles with your insurance co. over the phone about whether or not you paid that $15 co-pay at the time of your office visit. 

Paying rent 

Or buying a house–whatever the specific accommodation situation is, you don’t get to live for free anymore. Which is just rude frankly. 

Having to take care of your own transportation 

Whether you buy or lease a car, take the bus, walk–whatever you’re doing to get yourself from Point A to Point B, and to make sure you don’t break down along the way whether that’s emotionally or because you didn’t change your oil because how the FUCK are you supposed to understand the absolutely indecipherable maintenance reminder program in your car, you have to figure it out on your own. Gone are the days of  carpools to school, rides to the doctor, plane tickets paid for by your parents–it’s your job to get yourself where you need to be, and if you don’t, the world will keep turning and no one will notice you’re gone because you’re but one insignificant spec of billions. 

No built-in friends

I am not aware of any adult play groups or daycares. Unless you’re like a swinger or have special needs.  And making friends is hardddddddd. Because everyone is terrible. And we don’t even want to be friends with them. But if we don’t make friends our doctor will start worrying about us but like in the pity way, and we HATE being pitied so if we have to play nice with a bunch of idiots to avoid that then we’ll put on the biggest smile you’ve ever seen and act like we don’t in fact wish death upon everyone as if our own precious lives depended on it. 

Cooking

We simply don’t have the energy to cook for ourselves. Yet, no one else is going to do it, so we either suck it up or starve to death. And we will not be starving to death because food is simply too important to us. So most likely we’ll just order out or go the frozen food route but I’m pretty confident the microwave counts as cooking so don’t hate us because we resourceful. 

No more summer break

Perhaps the biggest travesty to ever happen in the world. Summers don’t exist anymore. When people ask you, “how’s your summer going?” you’ll want nothing more than to strangle them as you watch the life drain out of their beady, well-rested little eyes. Seriously there needs to be a support group dedicated solely to this issue. Like if I had to rank the world’s problems, I would say:

1. Lack of summer vacation for adults 

2. Poverty 

3. War

Tbh. 

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=65754

As Featured on News Cult: The 9 Best Movies to Watch with Your Parents

Watching movies: a good old-fashioned family activity. If you can’t decide what to watch on your next movie night with your parents (which will be really soon because like who else are you going to have a movie night with you’re alone in life you may as well just move back home and die there), here are some suggestions.

1. Wedding Crashers

The hand-job-under-the-table scene is the best for watching while you’re sitting next to your dad.

2. The Virgin Suicides

I mean… obviously.

3. Pink Flamingos

Can’t stress enough how essential this film is for viewing in social situations.

4. Splash

You grow up thinking you love that movie, and then when you watch it as you get older and wiser, you realize it’s a bunch of bullshit sexist propaganda–a half-naked woman who can’t speak and is game for anything? “GREAT,” said the Patriarchy.

5. Spring Breakers

6. Carrie

For some quality mother-daughter bonding time.

7. Any Woody Allen Film

Especially if you’re a stepdaughter watching with your stepfather. And you’re adopted. And you’re young. And Asian.

8. Titanic

BOOB SCENE. HANDPRINT-ON-THE-STEAMY-WINDOW, SEX-SCENE-TO-RUIN-ALL-SEX-SCENES, SEX-SCENE-TO-RUIN-ALL-SEX., SEX SCENE.

9. Girl, Interrupted

Attn: Daughters–this is your go-to.

Featured on News Cult:  http://newscult.com/parent-approved-9-best-movies-watch-parents/