As Featured on News Cult: Alternative Titles for Self-Help Books

I think we can all agree that self-help books are the greatest joke that’s ever been told. So I decided to write a list of alternative titles for them. (I would buy all of these, if I do say so myself.)

IMG_4886

*Please note the ratio of drink/torso–this is what we should all be aspiring to.

1. DON’T BOTHER.

2. THE GUY YOU HOOKED UP WITH ON SATURDAY ISN’T TEXTING YOU BACK BECAUSE HE DIED; AND OTHER LIES TO TELL YOURSELF

3. YOU CAN’T, EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU CAN

4. HUGS: THE THINGS THAT DEFINITELY DON’T MEASURE UP TO DRUGS

5. GOALS ARE FOR NOT BEING REACHED

6. IF YOU’RE READING THIS BOOK, IT’S ALREADY TOO LATE

7. A PARENTING GUIDE: DON’T WORRY, BY PROCREATING, YOU’RE ONLY CONTRIBUTING TO THE DESTRUCTION OF THE PLANET AND DOOMING YOUR DESCENDANTS TO THE EVENTUAL END OF THE WORLD

8. ACCEPT AND CULTIVATE YOUR LACK OF POWER

9. STOP BLOWING SMOKE (UNLESS IT’S FROM WEED)

10. HOW TO REPAIR YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD

11. 7 STEPS TO REALIZING YOUR DREAMS ARE UNACHIEVABLE

12. DON’T FIGHT YOUR DEMONS: MAKE LOVE TO THEM

13. RECIPES FOR SUCCESS: 50 KLONOPIN-BASED COCKTAILS TO MAKE EVERY HOUR HAPPY HOUR

14. YOU ARE NOT YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY: PEOPLE DO HATE YOU MORE THAN YOU HATE YOURSELF

15. BE PERSISTENT: WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU NO, THEY REALLY MEAN YES (ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ASK THEM IF THEY WANT TO DATE YOU)

16. 10 STEPS TO PLANNING YOUR OWN FUNERAL

17. WITHOUT LOSERS, THERE WOULDN’T BE WINNERS: KNOW YOUR PLACE

18. HOW TO SEE AN ADDICTION INTERVENTION COMING AND INTERVENE IN IT

19. COMING TO TERMS WITH THE FACT THAT YOU CAN NEVER GET MAD AT A BLACK PERSON. EVER. (UNLESS YOU ARE ONE)

20. A POST-REHAB GUIDE TO RECLAIMING YOUR ALCOHOLISM

21. SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF: IT WILL PROBABLY KILL YOU

22. CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN NO AMOUNT OF DAYS (IN OTHER WORDS, NO AMOUNT OF DAYS IS ENOUGH FOR YOU TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE)

23. HOW TO COPE WITH YOUR CHILD’S ADHD BY USING HIS/HER ADDERALL

24. AWAKENING YOUR LIFE’S LACK OF PURPOSE

25. YOUR MARRIAGE: THERE’S A 50/50 CHANCE IT WILL END IN DIVORCE (BUT PROBABLY MORE LIKE 80/20 IF WE’RE BEING HONEST WITH OURSELVES)

26. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP? YOU MOST LIKELY WON’T BE THAT THING, IF YOU EVEN LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO GROW UP

27. HOW TO DECODE COMPLIMENTS, A.K.A. CRITICISMS IN DISGUISE

28. WHOEVER SAID DRINKING WON’T SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS HAS NEVER HAD JELL-O SHOTS FOR BREAKFAST

29. EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR FUTILE, INCONSEQUENTIAL EXISTENCE

30. YOU ARE NOT A PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC; THEY JUST WANT YOU TO BELIEVE YOU ARE…

31. THERE’S PROBABLY SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU; THIS BOOK WON’T HELP

Photo is of a greeting card by Random Thoughts, a division of Mina Lee Studio

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/alternative-titles-self-help-books-life-never-serious/

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16 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: Alternative Titles for Self-Help Books

  1. bensbitterblog says:

    1. Already don’t bother.
    3. My mantra every single day.
    4. Hugs: The thing you should only do with bears.
    5. First I would have to actually have to set one.
    6.Yep, reading that book.
    7. Why did I have kids again?
    8. It’s like the trees fell on my power lines.
    9. Speaking of which is legal in my state.
    10. The only people I like talking to. And even they get annoying sometimes.
    11. I have a six step program.
    12. I actually like filming mine cause it will make a good action flick.
    14. At least they try really hard to.
    15. No means no to me only because I’m too lazy and don’t want to ask again.
    16. There’s gonna be fireworks and not only the ones in the sky.
    17. I learned this early in life.
    18. I’ve seen that show too many times.
    21. Yes, pizza is small and yes I count on dying with it in my mouth.
    22. Changing my life takes to many breathes.
    24. Blog post coming soon.
    26. Growing up?
    27. You’re so great, Alex.
    29. Not much.
    30. Yes we are.
    31. Since birth. Good thing I can’t read.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Fannie Frankfurter says:

    I used to joke that I wanted to write a book for my ex who was having problems with his child’s mother titled, “So you impregnated a moron. Now what?”
    But then he impregnated her again a few years later and the joke was on me.
    *sad trombone sounds*

    Liked by 3 people

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