As Featured on News Cult: Pinky Rings: Let’s Discuss

Ok, here’s one thing I’m pretty sure I already know how I feel about: pinky rings. Nothing makes me cringe like a pinky ring. I can’t really think of an argument in favor of them. Unless it’s a Ring Pop on your pinky (as we discussed already), how where when why? I just. don’t. get. it.

The only rationale I can think of for wearing a pinky ring is that you want to signify you’re a douchebag. Like, instead of having to interact with someone and show your shitty personality, just slip that pinky ring on and no one will be able to say you didn’t warn them. And this is really problematic for me, because I know a couple of genuinely, or at least seemingly, good people who wear pinky rings. So I find myself in a quandary–they seem like they’re not assholes, but they’re wearing pinky rings. And those things just don’t go together. It’s like Crocs: if you’re wearing them, you’re absolutely a useless human being. Or those little slippers that are like gloves for your feet: if you trot around in those, you should 100% trot right off a bridge. Or shorts with little anchors embroidered all over them: if you wear those, please leave; you can’t sit with us. These are just the facts of life.

Similarly, a couple of times I’ve met really cute guys, only to notice they’re wearing pinky rings. There’s no boner-killer quite like a pinky ring. Like, is it a class ring? If so, ew that’s 100 times worse. Move on, high school is over. So is college. Sorry if you peaked then but it’s not our problem and we don’t need to be part of your sad, pathetic attempt to grasp onto what little glory you seem to think you’ve experienced. Or is it some sort of family heirloom that’s been worn by multiple generations? Not all traditions are meant to be followed. Please see: when the Spartans used to throw their ‘unfit’ babies off cliffs (I mean, the Spartans are my people–literally, I’m part Spartan–but even I, as much as I hate children and as proud as I am to be Spartan, can’t condone that. However, in my peoples’ defense, this may just be a myth. Like the kind we invented. #GREEKSFTW #WEBASICALLYINVENTEDTHEUNIVERSE). Or, is it that you’re required to wear a pinky ring if you want to smoke a cigar, or drink overpriced scotch out of a crystal decanter, or belong to a yacht club? Because we don’t need any of those things in our lives either, so frankly, no.

The only justifiable reason I can imagine for wearing a pinky ring is that your other fingers got too fat for your ring, so you had to resort to putting it on your pinky, the only one small enough for it to fit. And this, I support. Because I support eating. Which can make you/your fingers fat. Now, before you jump down my throat for ‘encouraging obesity’ or ‘unhealthy lifestyles,’ please keep in mind that I don’t give a shit what you think of me or the message you think I’m trying to send. And after you’ve removed that particular stick from your ass, please proceed to go fuck yourself. Especially if you wear a pinky ring. Just make sure it doesn’t get stuck inside you. Or do, I don’t care. (Too harsh? Not harsh enough.)

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5 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: Pinky Rings: Let’s Discuss

  1. bensbitterblog says:

    When I was younger and stupid, I thought about getting a pinky ring. But then I grew up to the age of 12 and realized that would be douchy and never looked back. And yeah, Crocs may be something my kids can wear (because they haven’t realized how lame they are yet), but once they hit the age of 12 they better not..

    Liked by 1 person

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