As Featured on News Cult: What Your Nail Color Says About You

I feel that there are several broad categories of options for your manicure, and that which one you choose says a lot about who you are. Nail color may seem like a small thing, but let me tell you, paying attention to it can save you a lot of time and heartache. Next time you don’t know what to think of someone, take a look at their nails and then consult this guide*:

Chalky Pastel

If you’re wearing a chalky pastel–think Easter pinks, yellows, blues, purples, greens–that says you either think of yourself as, or are trying to be, an understated, conservatively coy, mysteriously cool person. You want to have a pop of color without going overboard. You’re the girl who hangs back, but the one all the boys want to dance with–an intentional wallflower. Which also means you’re kind of a two-faced, manipulative sociopath. Like, pick a lane–either go for color, and really go for it, or don’t. Don’t try to play both sides. Don’t try to convince people that you’re both a lion and a lamb. Fortunately for you, men seem to love this trait–the flaky, hard-to-read girl who wages psychological warfare unbeknownst to every one of her victims. So if you’re into being kind of a dick, this is the type of color for you.

Bold Glitter

This screams IDGAF. And I want to have fun. And I don’t care what anyone thinks. We’re talking outrageously sparkly pinks, purples, blues, blacks, greens, and so on. Someone who wears bold glitter isn’t worried about abiding by dress codes, or societal norms, or any rule, for that matter. The opposite of the chalky pastel-wearer, a bold glitter girl will be brutally honest and unforgivingly herself. Sure, it can hurt to be on the receiving end of this, but wouldn’t you rather know you’re getting into bed with a snake than to think it’s an innocent rabbit, only to be unpleasantly surprised later on, when your pants are around your ankles and it’s just not the best time to be taken off guard? I feel like that’s supposed to be a metaphor but also sort of works in reality, except the humans having sex with animals part, but hey, some people are into that, no judgment, although I don’t know that’s it’s physically possible to have sex with a snake and for that matter does anyone else ever wonder how snakes have sex with each other? So confusing.

Refined Shimmer

These are your shimmery, but not glittery, golds, silvers, mauves, deep reds and magentas, etc. If you’re donning this, you’re conservative but elegant. You’re professional and polished (no pun intended but SELF-FIVE FOR THAT ONE!). You’re probably older, or at least an old soul. You don’t want to be the life of the party, but you want to be invited. You’ll forgo the dance floor to stay seated with a glass of champagne. You like presenting yourself as very well put together, and you enjoy the finer things in life. You’re not the most exciting person, but you’re predictable and reliable, and there’s something to be said for that. Which is that you’re boring. But boring never got anyone killed, so good for you!


Ok, don’t get me started on the nudes. These are your translucent pinks, whites, clear-ish colors. Your beiges. The people who wear these are the living form of beige–they’re stuffy and pretentious. They like to think they have it together, and are a cut above the rest. They think they’re so neat, organized, composed, and that they’re endearingly gentle and calm. Like their simple, clean nail color projects their even-keeled temperament. Like they’d never get upset or lose their tempers or act in any manner other than the most polite, well-groomed, bourgeoisie way because THEY’RE JUST SO PERFECT, PRACTICALLY MADE OF PORCELAIN, REGULAR SAINTS–HELL, FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES THEY’RE ANGELS WHO COULD NEVER DO WRONG FALLEN STRAIGHT FROM FUCKING HEAVEN LITTLE GOODY TWO-SHOES MOTHERFUCKERS.


Neons are the best. Hot pink, orange, yellow, green. However, the person who wears them is not. The person sporting neon nails thinks of themselves as a hipster. And if there’s one thing we hate, it’s a hipster. The smug, self-serving attitude they all have, and their obnoxious attempt at style–like, we GET it–you think you’re God’s gift to man, and that if you wear mismatched, ill-fitting clothes, have a very specific type of thick-rimmed and/or outdated, “nerdy” glasses, and spend way too much time grooming your beard, we’ll buy that you’re a subversive, countercultural activist who doesn’t just get stoned all day and use daddy’s credit card to buy your Birkenstocks. But guess the fuck what? The problem with duplicity is that its charade is unsustainable. In other words: the jig is up. No one cares as much about you as you care about yourself. With that in mind, we’re taking back the neons–you shall colonize them no more. You will not ruin their beauty with your artifice any longer. Never again. As they say about the Holocaust.

Straight up red

Cherry red, apple red, hooker red–whatever you want to call it–this is your standard, plain old red. Like your red that you show to children when you’re teaching them colors. If you waste your time doing that. They should really just know. It’s instinctual.

This red is straightforward, doesn’t fuck around, gets what it wants, and will do whatever it has to do to get done what it needs to get done. Which is why, if this is your color of choice, you’re a straight up bitch. There’s no shame in that. It just means people don’t really like you, or like working with you, or want you at their Christmas parties. But honestly their loss, because who needs them, right?! Everyone is going to die alone anyways, so better to embrace that early on. Plus, more for you–of everything–because you don’t have to worry about sharing with people when you literally have no one to share with. Because no one wants to be around you. So you’re never in a position where you would be asked to share. Or where you’d have to share. Even if you’d want to share, or be inclined to–you wouldn’t have the chance to because there is nobody who even wants you to want to share with them.

*For the record, I’ve worn all of these.

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14 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: What Your Nail Color Says About You

  1. Melanie (DoesItEvenMatterWhoIReallyAm?) says:

    FYI, Sebastian ALWAYS goes for the glitter! And the description you gave is fucking dead on for him! I love it! ❤ 👍 And I have worn ALL of these colors too lol! BUT, you left out my favorite standby… BLACK. 💋💋❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Josh Wrenn says:

    You referenced nail color to the Holocaust in a shockingly brilliant, yet totally unoffensive to any of the real events and losses way that made me spit out me coffee. You would officially be my favorite writer now, except you made me waste a good mouthful of coffee. However, since it didn’t come out of my nose I will let it slide a little. Great job!

    Liked by 2 people

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