Fuck buddyism. Fuck buddery. Fuck buddyistics. Whatever you want to call it. The art of fucking with no attachments. No obligations, no feelings, no commitments. What do we think of this way of life? As opposed to being emotionally invested in a sexual relationship. It seems like another tricky one to figure out–but don’t worry, me and my inquisitive mind are here again to help reach no solid conclusion and waffle back and forth on the matter!
Let’s start with the benefits of being friends with benefits (another great play on words by yours truly). Sexual pleasure (theoretically), fun, companionship but still the ability to maintain independence, all without having to be too serious or committed or emotionally invested. This all sounds pretty good, right?
But there are several problems with all of that (that was short lived). First, sexual pleasure: men, you are probably getting this most, if not all, of the time when you have sex. It’s very easy, generally speaking, for men to get off, compared to women–this is just a fact of anatomy. One of the many advantages men are born with–among also not being able to get pregnant, not being able to get some STDs as easily as women, having more natural bodily strength, etc. Women got fucked (I am really killing it).
And when you consider sexual pleasure isn’t a given when it comes to casual sex, especially for women, that sort of dampens the fun aspect. Sure, you can have fun without orgasming. But it’s obviously a lot more fun if you do. I will, however, give you the companionship while still being able to maintain independence point. I LOVE being able to escape people to my own apartment and bed every night. I’m the first person to holler from the mountain top how awful human interaction is. If there was a choir, I’d preach to it. Except I’m pretty sure I would never be accepted into preacher school or whatever you have to do. Can preachers have sex? Or is that priests who can’t? But anyway, I think where we hit our biggest road block is when we come to the supposed upside of not having to be seriously committed to or invested in anyone.
I think we give ourselves too much credit when we think that we can control how emotionally invested we’ll be in someone. I really don’t think we can. I think that because sex is easier physically for men, it’s also easier for them to not put so much meaning into it. But I think that all genders have one very human thing in common: emotions. Feelings. They’re awful, but they’re real. We can’t reign them in like we’d like to. We can be in denial about that, but that doesn’t mean we’ll be successful at mastering our feelings.
I’m not saying it’s completely impossible to control our feelings. Sure, it’s possible to control how we express them. Like, I can choose not to express my anger at the inept cashier by punching her in the face. And I can choose not to show my annoyance at the screaming toddler on the plane by telling him to go fuck himself. And I can choose to not proclaim my love for the cute Trader Joe’s guy in the middle of the trail mix aisle, despite everything in me that wants to jump his bones every time I go grocery shopping.
But I can’t really control the underlying feelings. And, I firmly believe that the more we try to suppress feelings, the more they come out. Like, I could try to deny my anger at the inept cashier, but then I would just eventually explode like a volcano of suppressed rage, and then I would never be allowed back at Target, and we KNOW I have to be able to go to Target–it’s literally the only thing I do. I can also try to calm down and not let the anger rule me, but I need to let it have its moment before its moment can pass.
This is all to say that we don’t really have power over our feelings of attraction to other people. And, I’d bet that, more often than not, if we’re having sex with someone, we have some type of attraction to them–be it physical, emotional, or both. So if we can’t monitor and affect the romantic feelings we’re developing for someone, it’s going to be hard for us to maintain a purely sexual, uncomplicated relationship with them. Like, if we see them out and about, holding hands with or kissing or flirting with someone who is not us, we’ll probably get jealous, or a little hurt, or wish death upon that other person–you know, however you process your own disappointment. But we will be disappointed. I don’t care how many times you tell me or yourself that it’s just a “causal” thing, there are “no strings attached”–you can say that until the cows come home, but you’re not fooling anyone. And while I’m a huge proponent of denial–it’s really the only way to survive–I don’t think it’s sustainable.
So I say, let yourself develop feelings for people. And pursue them. And don’t cheat yourself by agreeing to just hook up, with no other aspects to the relationship. You deserve more, and there could be so much more than that. If the other person doesn’t want it, their loss, because you’d make a wonderful companion in old age–I mean, have they seen your knitting skills?? If they don’t want to do anything more than have sex, suggest that they just use their hand. Honestly–if all you’re looking for is an orgasm, cut out the middle men/women and do it yourself. #Byeeeeeeeeee #letthedoorhityouonthewayout #heylookguysIactuallycametoafirmconclusionforonce
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