As Featured on News Cult: The Worst Things About Being a Kid

As much as being an adult is miserable, so can being a kid. Here are the worst things about being underage [insert statutory rape joke here].

Not being able to drink

Like, how did we live before we were 15 21?

Not having money

Unless you’re a dick and are one of those kids whose parents pay for everything and anything you want, your funds are limited. Having to get every purchase approved is, like, really stressful.

Not being able to drive

And get yourself the fuck out of every social situation you unwillingly find yourself in ever.

Having to live with your parents

Sorry, mom and dad, but it’s just not great.


Like, homework though, am I right?

Play groups

We have no interest in socializing, period, let alone forced socializing with a bunch of grubby little assholes who don’t wash their hands, eat paint, and have bad bowl cuts.

Family holidays

Again, forced socializing with no out, unless you’re going to pay for your own babysitter, in which case I refer you to point #2 above: WHERE YOU GONNA GET THE MONEY, SON??

No coffee

I mean, they say it stunts your growth or whatever, and while we have no problem losing a few inches if it means we get our caffeine fix, our pediatricians differ from us on that. Which leads me to..

Going to the pediatrician

They get all up in your SHIT–weighing you, measuring your height all the damn time, sticking needles in your arms. Like I thought we weren’t supposed to do that–heroin is on the “never do this” list, right? I’m getting mixed messages here, DOCTOR.

Standardized Testing

Seriously, whoever came up with these needs to get a real job. And a life. And just a productive, intelligent, rational thought in their brain. Just one–we know what we’re dealing with here, we know our limits, so we won’t ask for more than that. But one smart thing coming to their mind would just like be amazing. /If they just dropped dead that would work too.

Being confused

All the time. What are these emotions I’m experiencing? WTF is my body doing? How am I supposed to behave, think, act, feel, be? I UNDERSTAND NOTHING. *Please note: this does not get easier with age.

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