As Featured on News Cult: What to do When You’re Out Sick

While being sick sucks, we also love it because it means we get to stay home. Endless sneezing, snot, coughing, fever, nausea and chills? We’ll take it, if the alternative is going to work. So here’s what to do when you’re home sick.

1. Watch TV obvi

But nothing too cerebral–we don’t want you trying to process the multitude of familial tensions and indecipherable political plot lines of Game of Thrones (which frankly you don’t even understand at your prime which means you’re basically a social pariah since you couldn’t make it past season 1) when you’re 3 NyQuil’s and a half-a-bottle of Benadryl deep.

2. Take baths

Steep. You are a human tea bag. Let the heat wash the toxins out of your body. Imagine me saying this in the most yoga-teacher voice you’ve ever heard. Actually on second thought that may make you want to kill yourself so maybe don’t.

3. Sleep

Some of us are incapable of napping, so drug yourself if you have to.

4. Eat

The other day my chiropractor was like “starve a cold feed a fever” and I was like bitch I’m on a 24/7 feeding cycle don’t tell me to stop eating because I have a cold I’ll KILL YOU.

5. Cry

You can blame it on the cold/allergies. Even if you don’t have a cold or allergies. Stomach flu? “I’m crying because I have a cold and/or allergies. What the fuck do you care?” (I don’t know who’s like challenging your tears when you’re sick but like just in case.)

6. Lie on the floor

I feel like all of my lists are these same 6 things. But seriously, lying on the floor is salvation. Maybe because it’s like some metaphorical act of surrender. And despite what Winston Churchill said, always always always give up. Just like drugs, giving up is always the answer. Children: take note.

7. Read trashy magazines

Again, this will be the only literature you’ll be able to digest since it will require no brain power. Also, this is a good opportunity to judge. Mainly what celebrities wear when they go grocery shopping.

8. Google eHarmony commercials


9. Have a friend over

You’ll only have your unemployed friends to choose from, so you’re already looking at a pretty lame selection, so don’t expect much. But maybe they can bring you ice cream. In which case their existence won’t be for nothing.

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12 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: What to do When You’re Out Sick

  1. bensbitterblog says:

    1. All day and all night if I must.
    2. Or shower until all the hot water is gone, especially if the others in your house aren’t giving you any sympathy.
    3. What better way to avoid people than sleep?
    4. You know, to test when you stomach is ready for food yet or not. (should always be yet) By the way chiropractor, just shut it and giving me a back rub.
    5. If not to get sympathy, then to annoy those that aren’t giving you sympathy.
    6. More times than you know. Back and all.
    7. Because it is even funnier when you are hallucinating all Kim k’s idiotic decisions.
    8. Is that the one where the old guy tells the little kids to grow up and get on E-harmony? Yeah, lol.
    9. Um, no. No people around me when sick. Because yuck, that’s just gross (as I wipe snot on the counter).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. peckapalooza says:

    I thought it was starve the fever, feed a cold… Have I been doing it backwards this whole time? Whatever, I always eat when I’m sick. Unless it’s a vomity thing. Then I don’t want to think about food. But for a cold or flu, I’m just under the assumption that anything edible is part of the “plenty of fluids” mantra.

    Liked by 1 person

    • onlybadchi says:

      I know!! Me too!! When he was saying that I was like ummmmm…….. He’s probably wrong lol. And same, I take sickness as an excuse to eat whatever I want–like 12 donuts are ok because you’re sick. You just need to rest and eat and recuperate and eat.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Flop til you drop "FTYD" says:

    First of all, this must be said: I LOVE the purple bean bag in the background… or it could be a purple trash bag full of garbage. Cute none-the-less. And yes, the whole lying on the ground…or if you trudge along, the half lying on the whatever…half on / half off the kitchen counter when you attempted to get water, stopped along the path… kitchen table, couch, coffee table…and yes, toilet. It took you a half hour to get there… (I’m getting there…don’t worry, I’ll pee in the toilet, promise, because I don’t want to sleep in my own urine.) And then you proceed to half sit on the toilet and prop your head and torso against the wall…and moan to whomever may be around that they need to bring you a blanket and completely don’t care if they see you in the worst state ever. When you finally make it back to your bed to sleep forever, that’s when the damn lawn guys come and start up the lawn mower, followed by the leaf blower. = Good times.

    Liked by 1 person

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