As Featured on News Cult: 10 Pros of Having Big Hips

To my big hipped brethren: fret not, for there are pros to our pear hourglass-shaped figures. Here they are:

1. You can carry your laundry basket on them

Whenever it’s laundry time, I just hoist the basket up on my hip shelf and get to walking. It’s like those African ladies who carry water on their heads. Except with a dose of white privilege.

2. Childbearing

Should you choose to ruin your life have kids, big hips will ease the birthing process. Thinking about that makes me cringe does it make anyone else cringe I’m trying to be a good feminist and like not shudder at the thought of it but right now we’re struggling.

3. You can open doors with them          

Just give a swift hip-check to the door and voila: it’ll open to its widest berth.

4. You don’t look like a prepubescent boy

It’s as simple as that.

5. They’re an excuse to wear leggings

Because spandex is the only thing that fits both your hips and the rest of your lower half.

6. They’re good for dancing

More hip = more stuff to shake.

dance animated GIF

7. They create space

They’re the equivalent of walking with your arms out Jesus-style; they make you take up more space, which means that other people can’t infringe on it. The less hip you have, the closer people can get to you. Which is just ew.

8. Hula hooping is easier

Obviously the most important perk of all. Like, you practically don’t have to do any work–the hula hoop just sits on your hips for DAYS.

Hips animated GIF

9. Curves

We just like curves. Curves on curves on curves on curves. There’s something so natural about them. They give a body character; make it interesting. They tell a story.

dancing animated GIF

10. They’re a good pedophile-repellant

Pls see #4^^

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=71222

 

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13 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: 10 Pros of Having Big Hips

  1. Allen says:

    I like the idea of more personal space. With no hips, though, I have to rely on other measures — such as forgetting the deodorant and mumbling “I’m King Henry the Eighth, I am” in a never-ending monotonous loop.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Flop til you drop "FTYD" says:

    Well, the whole kid bearing thing, don’t worry- Outside of the labor discomfort, until the numbness sets in, I never had to feel the pain of the hips spreading. (or the rest of it) say yes to epidural. (You don’t go to the dentist and not get a shot of numbness before having dental work done, right?)

    If you like your hips now, you will like them more after birthing your first child. Your hips spread a little further and never go back… that’s why it’s sometimes hard for women to get back into the same “skinny” jeans even after losing the baby weight.

    I loved dancing/doin’ the bump. I could bump (hip) the person across the room. Now that’s a bump, sista! Of course, I’d have a bruise after.

    Liked by 1 person

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