As Featured on News Cult: 10 Cons of Having Big Hips

Yesterday we covered the pros of having big hips. Today we’ll cover the cons:

1. It’s hard to fit places

Like into and out of the car in tight parking spaces. Or behind chairs at tables in restaurants on the way to the bathroom. Or on a couch with other people.

2. Pants don’t fit

They just don’t.

3. Their association with the Kardashians

Let’s get one thing fucking straight: the Kardashians’ endorsement of waist trainers is deplorable and a prime example of their ethical bankruptcy and willingness to whore themselves out and promote anything and everything to enlarge their grossly excessive wealth. They’re literally encouraging girls to go back to the days of corsets so tight you couldn’t breathe and removing your ribs so your waist would be socially acceptably small. WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS?? For starters, it’s unhealthy from a medical perspective, and the sociocultural implications for gender equality are deadly. Their big hips and butts and curves aren’t real. Their hips DO lie. And we don’t want to be associated with them and their internal organ-crushing, self-objectifying, greedy promotion of highly unrealistic and dangerous beauty standards.

4. People expect you to have kids

Since your hips are “childbearing;” well maybe we don’t want to contribute to the overpopulation of the world and waste our time trying to raise decent human beings who inevitably are going to be corrupted by social media and pop culture and who need potty training when that should just be a NATURAL FUCKING INSTINCT

5. They move

A lot. With every tiny step you take. God forbid you try to run (which we don’t of course, but if we WANTED to, which we wouldn’t of course), then be prepared for a lot of hip swinging, like we’re talking wide, gelatinous, up-and-down motions, which will slow your pace drastically.

6. Good luck fitting into a dress

That’s not custom made. Again, we don’t care about dresses because we don’t care about dressing up because it takes effort and is uncomfortable and represents society’s shallow fixation on appearances, but if we were to try to stuff ourselves into a dress that’s not made of spandex, we’d only fit into the top and/or bottom maybe, def not the middle.

7. You’re like a bull in a china shop

Literally–if you were in a china shop, your hips would be knocking stuff off the table left and right. And they do–you in the Glassware & Stemware section of Macy’s? Fuggedaboutit.

8. Massages are awkward

Because when it’s time to flip over onto your back, you bring allllll the sheets with you.

9. They stand out

It’s hard to blend in (like literally the only thing we want–for no one to see us or try to talk to us) when you require a wide berth on the sidewalk.

10. People comment on them

Here’s a tip: the next time you’re tempted to make an observation about a girl’s “curves,” swallow your words. And choke on them.

Featured on News Cult:

6 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: 10 Cons of Having Big Hips

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s