As Featured on News Cult: My New Year’s Resolutions

Because I like to think ahead (NOT) and make a list of New Year’s resolutions each year (NOT) that I believe in following through on (NOT), I thought I would compile an early list here. But for real, I fucking hate New Year’s resolutions and people who make them. Because ambition is pointless. Because life is meaningless. And we’re all going to end up dead anyways so reaching your stupid goals doesn’t ultimately get you anywhere. With that said, here’s my answer to the useless sociocultural tradition of making resolutions that you promise to follow through on come every Jan. 1.

1. To never make a list of New Year’s resolutions ever again

Whoaa, things just got meta. But seriously–attn., goal makers: STFU. This is the list to end all lists.

2. To never look in a mirror again

It’s easier to pretend I don’t look like a chubby, homeless meth and/or crack addict if I can’t see it.

3. To cut the number of fucks I give down to −infinity

4. To eat a Philly cheesesteak

I still, in all my 26 years, have never eaten one. Howwwww?!?

5. To exact revenge on at least fifteen people on my blacklist

It’s rapidly growing–that’s like only 1/6 of the whole thing, so I really need to start knocking ’em out (potentially literally–methods of vengeance TBD).

6. To talk about how Selena Gomez is almost singlehandedly ruining feminism

I’ll take any forum available. I mean, her lyrics… “Gonna wear that dress you like, skin-tight, do my hair up real, real nice, ’cause I just wanna look good for you. Let me show you how proud I am to be yours…”

7. To actually stay organized for tax purposes

Ok but really though. We all know what a pain taxes are to do and how much being organized, much to my dismay, truly helps.

8. To figure out how Justin Timberlake’s hair circa *NSYNC was ever ok

9. To go to Hooters and only order water

In order to make a statement about how the entire conceit of Hooters is, simply and undeniably, the hypersexualized commodification of women; once there ceases to be an exchange of money for body, the whole thing falls apart. Plus I just think it would be fun to see how they react.

10. To tell my OBGYN what I really think of her

I just think her bedside manner could stand to use some improvement. I mean, I’m not asking you to throw a party down there, but maybe just be a little more approachable during conversation while you’re all up inside of me.

11. To start drinking boxed wine

On the reg. Like just fuckin’ straight from the spigot. I just feel like that’s the direction my life is headed, you know? So I may as well settle  in.

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20 thoughts on “As Featured on News Cult: My New Year’s Resolutions

  1. alexmoriah86 says:

    I feel you on #10. I used to have a really grumpy OBGYN with grumpy nurses and that’s why I left. You have to at least pretend to like me, in order to look at and touch my vagina. Real life.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Awkward Appeal says:

    #4: madness, if you have a Bruchis near by I suggest trying the blue cheesesteak it’s delicious.
    #8: please let me know if you find an answer. Possibility: his hair was sponsored by top ramen.
    #10: I find boxed wine is best drank from if you just remove the box and lug it around in the bag that is in it. Slap dat bag.

    Liked by 1 person

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