As Featured on News Cult: How to Prep for the Holidays

May God have mercy on our souls: the holidays are upon us. Which means family gatherings are upon us. So prepping for the holidays is basically like preparing for war. Batten down the hatches, because WINTER IS COMING. Here’s what you need to do to get yourself ready.

1. Train

It’s as if you’re a boxer and this is your most important match. Run over all the possible questions you’ll be asked by overly inquisitive relatives and how you’ll answer (“Alex, are you dating anyone?” “No, Grandma. But there is one guy I occasionally let come on my face.”); think of all the backhanded insults your siblings might throw your way and how to respond (“I know you have a bad temper so I didn’t want to bring up the fact that I’ll be taking mom’s wedding dress.” “Oh, that’s ok, it’s too big for me anyways.”); punch yourself in the face if you have to (family time over the holidays is your FIGHT CLUB)–toughen up, because come Thanksgiving dinner, you’re gonna take a beating. Or…

2. Drink

An alternative way to numb the pain of the holidays. Start now and don’t stop til they’re over. I recommend a white wine spritzer IV to the spine.

3. Watch lots of Dr. Phil

Take notes. You’ll learn Dr. Phil’s crack fuckin bullshit about how to deal with family drama and also feel a lot better about your family. Dysfunction is relative, y’all.

4. Think of things you like about each of your family members

To make the whole process more bearable.

Mom: she knows like the exact right amount of seconds to let the tea bag steep–EVERY time. So impressive.

Aunt Gina: she usually gives you cute Christmas cards, you think because she fancies herself crafty, but she doesn’t make the cards so she can’t take the creative credit and you really want to tell her that but you’ll settle with just conceding that she has good taste. Sometimes. (Except when it comes to men. Meaning her husband.)

Grandpa: he smells not terrible

Cousin Ralph: …. nope. You tried, but there’s just nothing redeeming there.

5. Get sick

You can’t join Christmas dinner if you’re on your death bed.

6. Buy your gifts early

Because before you know it, it’s December 24th and you haven’t gotten anything for anyone because they’re all impossible to shop for and always say, “Oh, that’s interesting” when they open their gifts from you so what’s even the point you’re not going to please them anyways so you may as well just get them something that requires no thought whatsoever like a gift card or socks. Everyone needs socks–that’s inarguable.

7. Practice smiling

So you’ll be able to seem like you care. (“Congrats on your engagement, Karen! It’s just so great. Honestly the ring is so pretty–which is like a concept that’s new and different for you!” [BIG GRIN–let’s get TOOTHY up in this bitch.]).

8. Cement your place as the family loser

Which won’t be hard, because everything you do is a failure. But this way, people will leave you alone because we don’t talk about problems in this family, and you’ll maybe get some preferential pity treatment out of it, too (the bigger the issues, the better the treatment: some subtle weight gain gets you a mani/pedi on mom; failing out of law school gets your rent paid by your grandparents; and a heroin addiction–well, that’s the jackpot–we’re talking free meals for infinity, parents constantly bailing you out of jail and footing the bills for rehab, and, most importantly, lowered expectations of you–Ca-CHING!)

Featured on News Cult: http://newscult.com/?p=74252

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